Third in a series of articles sponsored by the Adopt America Network.
Have a Kid with Attachment Issues?
Since the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder has become so popular for children who have spent some of their lives in foster care or institutions, there are hundreds of resources out there for living with children with these issues. It is important to remember that nearly all children coming from these backgrounds have attachment issues, regardless of weather or not they have an official diagnosis.
Parenting kids with attachment issues is hard work. The reason it is so difficult is that they do not inspire the kinds of responses that they need. Let me explain.
A child or teen with attachment issues has a goal to keep people as far away as possible because they are afraid of emotional intimacy. Their behavior is ugly, nasty, rude and mean. They push people away by disobeying, cursing, or being consistently oppositional. After a while, parents just want to STAY AWAY from their attachment disordered kids.
So when a therapist like Dan Hughes suggests that what parents need to do is to practice playfulness, love, acceptance, curiosity and empathy, our internal response as parents is “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!” After weeks or months or even years of being barraged with negative energy from kids, the idea of being playful and loving seems it will take more emotional energy than we can find within ourselves.
But it’s what they need. Unfortunately, we did not cause them to be this way but in order for us to help them heal, we need to practice very intentional parenting. Here are three tips that will help you be able to give your kids what you need.
1) Make sure you take care of yourself. You’ll need to be in the best emotional shape possible in order to continue to give when not receiving in return. Hang out with people who support you. Get enough sleep. Exercise and eat right. Consider yourself to be in training for a special mission – because this is harder than almost anything else you will ever have to do.
2) Pick your battles wisely. If you are consistently arguing about small things, there won’t be time to engage positively. Arguing with a child who has attachment issues simply gives them what they want. Distract them by changing the subject. Do unexpected things to make them laugh. Don’t let yourself get wrapped up in an argument that has no end in site. It’s not easy to be playful, loving, accepting, curious, or empathetic when they have gotten you to a place of anger and frustration. So be the adult. Don’t let them take you there.
3) Find things that you really like about your son/daughter and focus on them. Bring to mind positive memories you have shared. Focus on them as people, not their behaviors. Challenge yourself to make positive moments in each day that will create memories to look back on tomorrow.
If you have met me in person you know that I seldom get this right, but I do understand the importance of doing it. It’s not an issue of having the right personality or temperament. It’s about reframing the way you see things, and changing your response to your kids – because it is going to take a long time for them to change, if they ever do.
In conclusion, living with a kid with attachment issue requires living by the principles found in the revised serenity prayer, which I repeat to myself and quote often (even though I’ve never seen it attributed to anyone except “anonymous”):
Lord, give me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change;
The courage to change the person I can;
And the wisdom to know it’s me.
YOU CAN DO IT. Believe you can and start making small changes today.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Tired of Waiting?
Another article sponsored by the Adopt America Network. Please check out their website.
Tired of Waiting?
In the adoption process there are several waiting periods, but the two most difficult are:
the time between the completion of training, paperwork, and homestudy and the match of their child, and;
the time between when the match is made and the child or children actually move into the home.
Here are some suggestions for you as you participate in each of those two stages:
From Homestudy Completion to Match:
The temptation before being matched is to spend time thinking about the house and how to prepare it. But the issue before being matched with a specific sibling group or child is preparing yourself as a person and as a parent-to-be. Here are some suggestions:
1. Read, read, read, read, read. Books, magazines, articles, online blogs and websites, anything that you can get your hands on about children in the system. A special focus should be given to attachment disorder and fetal alcohol issues as you will most likely face them.
2. Volunteer to do respite care or be involved with children in some way. A crisis nursery, a headstart program in a low-income neighborhood, a Big-Brother or Big-Sister program, or spending time with teens at a Residential Treatment Center can provide invaluable training and also will make you more matchable.
3. Spend time attending support groups, conferences, and other events where you can meet parents of adopted children. Talk to them about their experiences and get to know their children.
From Match to Placement: When you find out you will be welcoming a child into your home, use the waiting time to prepare for that specific child or sibling group. Ask your questions carefully so you can use your waiting time wisely.
...Again, read, read, read but this time more specifically. Focus on the issues of the children who are coming to your home.
….Shop.
...Decorate a room.
...Plan a schedule.
...Enroll the kids in school.
...Purchase bedding.
...Get insurance information.
...Alert your doctor/dentist.
...Identify their therapist or psychiatrist.
...Calendar their currently scheduled appointments.
...Begin a scrapbook for them.
There are many things that you can do to make the time go fast. It is important to think through how your schedule will change when a new child enters your home. You are not adding a child to your existing life; you are welcoming a child who will change the way you and your family functions. Decide early on what are foundational values and practices of your family’s life together so that you can maintain a sense of stability in the midst of necessary changes.
Kids in care find security in structure, whether they are able to identify this or not (and with some diagnoses “structure” may initially create some challenges). The clearer the structure – and do not mistake clarity for rigidity – the better. Thinking through each day will help not only you, but also your children to get a sense of what to expect each day and each week during their stay with you. This kind of structure alleviates anxiety and provides a more secure sense of calm.
Don’t waste your waiting times. Take full advantage of the extra time because it won’t be long before you feel like you never have a free minute!
Tired of Waiting?
In the adoption process there are several waiting periods, but the two most difficult are:
the time between the completion of training, paperwork, and homestudy and the match of their child, and;
the time between when the match is made and the child or children actually move into the home.
Here are some suggestions for you as you participate in each of those two stages:
From Homestudy Completion to Match:
The temptation before being matched is to spend time thinking about the house and how to prepare it. But the issue before being matched with a specific sibling group or child is preparing yourself as a person and as a parent-to-be. Here are some suggestions:
1. Read, read, read, read, read. Books, magazines, articles, online blogs and websites, anything that you can get your hands on about children in the system. A special focus should be given to attachment disorder and fetal alcohol issues as you will most likely face them.
2. Volunteer to do respite care or be involved with children in some way. A crisis nursery, a headstart program in a low-income neighborhood, a Big-Brother or Big-Sister program, or spending time with teens at a Residential Treatment Center can provide invaluable training and also will make you more matchable.
3. Spend time attending support groups, conferences, and other events where you can meet parents of adopted children. Talk to them about their experiences and get to know their children.
From Match to Placement: When you find out you will be welcoming a child into your home, use the waiting time to prepare for that specific child or sibling group. Ask your questions carefully so you can use your waiting time wisely.
...Again, read, read, read but this time more specifically. Focus on the issues of the children who are coming to your home.
….Shop.
...Decorate a room.
...Plan a schedule.
...Enroll the kids in school.
...Purchase bedding.
...Get insurance information.
...Alert your doctor/dentist.
...Identify their therapist or psychiatrist.
...Calendar their currently scheduled appointments.
...Begin a scrapbook for them.
There are many things that you can do to make the time go fast. It is important to think through how your schedule will change when a new child enters your home. You are not adding a child to your existing life; you are welcoming a child who will change the way you and your family functions. Decide early on what are foundational values and practices of your family’s life together so that you can maintain a sense of stability in the midst of necessary changes.
Kids in care find security in structure, whether they are able to identify this or not (and with some diagnoses “structure” may initially create some challenges). The clearer the structure – and do not mistake clarity for rigidity – the better. Thinking through each day will help not only you, but also your children to get a sense of what to expect each day and each week during their stay with you. This kind of structure alleviates anxiety and provides a more secure sense of calm.
Don’t waste your waiting times. Take full advantage of the extra time because it won’t be long before you feel like you never have a free minute!
Online Support Groups
The following article is sponsored by the Adopt America Network, a non-profit that has been working for nearly 30 years to match waiting children with families.
Online Support: The Perfect Answer for Many Adoptive Parents
Support can come in lots of ways for people who have adopted children who have special needs. Talking to someone who “gets it” is one of the best things that we as adoptive parents can do to normalize our experience and feel like we are not alone. However, some types of support just aren’t possibilities for us during our most trying of days.
Here are some reasons why “real life” as opposed to virtual, online support aren’t possible for adoptive parents:
1) Traditional support groups require us to leave our homes. This requires child care. Many adoption support groups do not provide child care.
2) Traditional support groups that meet in person sometimes offer child care. However, sometimes our children simply cannot function in that setting -- even if it is geared to special needs children.
3) Sometimes we are simply to exhausted to make ourselves look presentable. Even if we want to get out and go to a group, it would require having time for a shower and ttime to find clothes that match and don’t have holes in them, perhaps makeup or perfume... you get the idea. Sometimes we’re just too tired at the end of the day to get there.
4) If we can’t meet in person, phone calls are the next best thing. However, it is quite embarrassing to be talking to someone with the noise of a kid raging in the background or while being called a variety of interesting and colorful names by an angry teenager. After we’ve said, “wait, hold on a second” five or six times it just gets too frustrating to try any longer.
5) Having visitors would be another natural way to connect with others, but I know you can think of 30 reasons why THAT isn’t going to happen. At least I can.
6) Meeting another adoptive parent for coffee or lunch is a great idea IF all the kids are in school and IF the school isn’t calling to interrupt the lunch or coffee time to say that we have to come to the school to intervene, give advice, or bring them home.
So, naturally, those of us who have interesting children at home often can’t find support by going to a “real life” support group. We can’t have people over, go out to meet someone, or talk on the phone. Fortunately, there is the internet and now even those of us in the midst of the battle in the trenches can participate in an online group.
So obviously, after reading the paragraphs above, you should already be able to articulate these reasons why online support has been my favorite type in my fifteen years as a foster and adoptive parent:
I don’t have to get dressed up. In fact I don’t have to get dressed at all. I don’t have to go anywhere. I can do it any time of day or night, it doesn’t matter if everyone is awake, or nobody is. Nobody can hear the noise and chaos in the background. I also find that the ability to write down what I am feeling (which often is required for online support) helps me understand myself more.
So if you are finding a need to “talk” to “someone who gets it” during the next weeks, why not check out online support options? List servs, message boards, blogs, and other avenues of online connections can be just what you are looking for.
Online Support: The Perfect Answer for Many Adoptive Parents
Support can come in lots of ways for people who have adopted children who have special needs. Talking to someone who “gets it” is one of the best things that we as adoptive parents can do to normalize our experience and feel like we are not alone. However, some types of support just aren’t possibilities for us during our most trying of days.
Here are some reasons why “real life” as opposed to virtual, online support aren’t possible for adoptive parents:
1) Traditional support groups require us to leave our homes. This requires child care. Many adoption support groups do not provide child care.
2) Traditional support groups that meet in person sometimes offer child care. However, sometimes our children simply cannot function in that setting -- even if it is geared to special needs children.
3) Sometimes we are simply to exhausted to make ourselves look presentable. Even if we want to get out and go to a group, it would require having time for a shower and ttime to find clothes that match and don’t have holes in them, perhaps makeup or perfume... you get the idea. Sometimes we’re just too tired at the end of the day to get there.
4) If we can’t meet in person, phone calls are the next best thing. However, it is quite embarrassing to be talking to someone with the noise of a kid raging in the background or while being called a variety of interesting and colorful names by an angry teenager. After we’ve said, “wait, hold on a second” five or six times it just gets too frustrating to try any longer.
5) Having visitors would be another natural way to connect with others, but I know you can think of 30 reasons why THAT isn’t going to happen. At least I can.
6) Meeting another adoptive parent for coffee or lunch is a great idea IF all the kids are in school and IF the school isn’t calling to interrupt the lunch or coffee time to say that we have to come to the school to intervene, give advice, or bring them home.
So, naturally, those of us who have interesting children at home often can’t find support by going to a “real life” support group. We can’t have people over, go out to meet someone, or talk on the phone. Fortunately, there is the internet and now even those of us in the midst of the battle in the trenches can participate in an online group.
So obviously, after reading the paragraphs above, you should already be able to articulate these reasons why online support has been my favorite type in my fifteen years as a foster and adoptive parent:
I don’t have to get dressed up. In fact I don’t have to get dressed at all. I don’t have to go anywhere. I can do it any time of day or night, it doesn’t matter if everyone is awake, or nobody is. Nobody can hear the noise and chaos in the background. I also find that the ability to write down what I am feeling (which often is required for online support) helps me understand myself more.
So if you are finding a need to “talk” to “someone who gets it” during the next weeks, why not check out online support options? List servs, message boards, blogs, and other avenues of online connections can be just what you are looking for.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Relationship not Behavior
In retrospect, I have one major regret in my earlier parenting. For the first two placements of older children, I focused on behavior -- attempting to modify it, change it, fix it -- instead of attachment. And the results have been less than satisfactory.
When these particular boys moved into my home my immediate reaction was, "Oh My Goodness!!!! i have so much work to do to prepare them for adulthood." I needed to get busy and fast because their behaviors were completely unacceptable.
Imagine if this was the approach of someone who had begun to get to know a person they thought they wanted to marry. What if on the first date, a woman said, "Welcome to my life. I can see right now that your table manners aren't appropriate, so let's begin working on that right now. Let me show you how to hold a fork." How long would the relationship last? It would die before it began.
Since my first placements I have learned that my first task should be to be the kind of person my child can fall in love with. I need to do and say things that will make them feel good about me. When they do make a mistake, or break a rule, I need to remind them lovingly that this is not how we do things, but that I am still committed to them and love them unconditionally.
This is one of the most important things I have learned as a parent who adopted older children: No child is going to attempt to please or obey an adult to whom they are not attached. When I was growing up, I didn't want to disappoint my mom and dad. I wanted to please them. This was because of our relationship which was healthy, attached, and foundational.
Demanding that children obey us while they are basically still strangers simply because someone has told them that they have a new parent is downright ridiculous. And yet I did it and many parents do. The focus is all on behavior and the child or teen moves in thinking "wow, did I end up with a witch for a mom."
A couple things about behaviors: First, some of them never go away. Mental illness or organic brain damage due to prenatal exposure to alcohol will not go away just because a child is placed in a loving home. And secondly, they'll be around later and you can deal with them then.
When I was a college administrator responsible for discipline I learned the concept, "Get them to respect you first, and later worry about them liking you." I took this principal into adoption and parenting and it ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WORK. Some of the kids never really came to love me as their mom and respect never came either.
Focus that first year on getting the kid to fall in love with you. If you do, you can worry about behavior. I'm not saying to ignore rule violations, but under-react. Keep the focus on the child, on attachment, on learning to understand your child and years down the road you'll be much farther ahead than those who started tackling behavior the day the kids moved it.
The voice of wistful experience, combined with regret, has spoken.
When these particular boys moved into my home my immediate reaction was, "Oh My Goodness!!!! i have so much work to do to prepare them for adulthood." I needed to get busy and fast because their behaviors were completely unacceptable.
Imagine if this was the approach of someone who had begun to get to know a person they thought they wanted to marry. What if on the first date, a woman said, "Welcome to my life. I can see right now that your table manners aren't appropriate, so let's begin working on that right now. Let me show you how to hold a fork." How long would the relationship last? It would die before it began.
Since my first placements I have learned that my first task should be to be the kind of person my child can fall in love with. I need to do and say things that will make them feel good about me. When they do make a mistake, or break a rule, I need to remind them lovingly that this is not how we do things, but that I am still committed to them and love them unconditionally.
This is one of the most important things I have learned as a parent who adopted older children: No child is going to attempt to please or obey an adult to whom they are not attached. When I was growing up, I didn't want to disappoint my mom and dad. I wanted to please them. This was because of our relationship which was healthy, attached, and foundational.
Demanding that children obey us while they are basically still strangers simply because someone has told them that they have a new parent is downright ridiculous. And yet I did it and many parents do. The focus is all on behavior and the child or teen moves in thinking "wow, did I end up with a witch for a mom."
A couple things about behaviors: First, some of them never go away. Mental illness or organic brain damage due to prenatal exposure to alcohol will not go away just because a child is placed in a loving home. And secondly, they'll be around later and you can deal with them then.
When I was a college administrator responsible for discipline I learned the concept, "Get them to respect you first, and later worry about them liking you." I took this principal into adoption and parenting and it ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WORK. Some of the kids never really came to love me as their mom and respect never came either.
Focus that first year on getting the kid to fall in love with you. If you do, you can worry about behavior. I'm not saying to ignore rule violations, but under-react. Keep the focus on the child, on attachment, on learning to understand your child and years down the road you'll be much farther ahead than those who started tackling behavior the day the kids moved it.
The voice of wistful experience, combined with regret, has spoken.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Taking away the Weapons before Sending Us to War
As with any analogy, there are things that don't apply... and of course states differbut I've been thinking lately about foster care being like boot camp.
In foster care we are given weapons. We have a caseworker who is supposed to be at our disposal for consultation and to provide resources. Respite care is often available for foster parents. Foster children automatically receive WIC, they automatically get free lunch, they often are except from charges for sports. There are often transporters who are hired to give foster children rides to other places or, if not, mileage in some cases is covered. And in a lot of cases, foster care rates are much higher than adoption subsidy. And often, sometimes most importantly, if a If a child needs residential treatment or a psychiatric hospitalization, it is available at no cost to the foster parent.
But then boot camp is over and it's time to finalize the adoption, After court, there is no caseworker to bounce ideas off of. Finding respite care is now our responsibility and sometimes, depending on the state, is no longer paid for. Family income is used to determine WIC and free lunch and all the sudden charges for activities are at the regular charge. Subsidy in some states can be as much as half as much as the foster care rate, so the family experiences a decrease in family income.
And, most tragically, in order to get residential treatment the family must often go through a court hearing and have a CHIPS petition filed in order to get services that they don't have to pay for.
So we are sent off to war without our weapons. In boot camp we're trained to use them, but right before we're sent off to war things are taken away one by one.
If we're lucky, the war is easy -- and we were over prepared in boot camp for battles that never come. But in most situations, as a child ages their behaviors increase instead of decrease. Mental health issues become more prevalent for teens and the result can be catastrophic.
And so, without all these weapons, we are facing serious battles and the only way to get our weapons back is to be accused ourselves of neglecting or abandoning our children as a CHIPS petition is filed. Kari shared her frustration about this morning on her blog..
I don't know for sure what the answers are, and I am more than capable of arguing the other side of this issue, but it seems to me that being able to head into the battle with at least some of the weapons we've been trained to use in boot camp might not be a bad plan.
In foster care we are given weapons. We have a caseworker who is supposed to be at our disposal for consultation and to provide resources. Respite care is often available for foster parents. Foster children automatically receive WIC, they automatically get free lunch, they often are except from charges for sports. There are often transporters who are hired to give foster children rides to other places or, if not, mileage in some cases is covered. And in a lot of cases, foster care rates are much higher than adoption subsidy. And often, sometimes most importantly, if a If a child needs residential treatment or a psychiatric hospitalization, it is available at no cost to the foster parent.
But then boot camp is over and it's time to finalize the adoption, After court, there is no caseworker to bounce ideas off of. Finding respite care is now our responsibility and sometimes, depending on the state, is no longer paid for. Family income is used to determine WIC and free lunch and all the sudden charges for activities are at the regular charge. Subsidy in some states can be as much as half as much as the foster care rate, so the family experiences a decrease in family income.
And, most tragically, in order to get residential treatment the family must often go through a court hearing and have a CHIPS petition filed in order to get services that they don't have to pay for.
So we are sent off to war without our weapons. In boot camp we're trained to use them, but right before we're sent off to war things are taken away one by one.
If we're lucky, the war is easy -- and we were over prepared in boot camp for battles that never come. But in most situations, as a child ages their behaviors increase instead of decrease. Mental health issues become more prevalent for teens and the result can be catastrophic.
And so, without all these weapons, we are facing serious battles and the only way to get our weapons back is to be accused ourselves of neglecting or abandoning our children as a CHIPS petition is filed. Kari shared her frustration about this morning on her blog..
I don't know for sure what the answers are, and I am more than capable of arguing the other side of this issue, but it seems to me that being able to head into the battle with at least some of the weapons we've been trained to use in boot camp might not be a bad plan.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
No Kid Plays with a Broken Jack-in-the-Box for long
Looking back ten years I remember the first summer I played the part of Jack. No, I wasn't the mascot for a fast food place, but I was that little guy that lived in a tiny box. And if someone turned the crank on the box long enough, I would pop out, contorting my face and making screeching sounds.
And so my new sons turned the crank on the box all....summer....long.
There was nothing more fun to them that watching me blow. They would find something that they knew would eventually get to me and keep going until finally I exploded. And with their attachment issues, it was the most fun they could imagine having.
In my journey as a parent I have learned to be less responsive to triggers. I have learned that engaging in arguments, investing myself emotionally in black holes of nonsense, and reacting quickly and intensely to their provocation never leads to anything good. And though I wish I could report that they never see me pop out of the box, it does still happen occasionally.
The fact of the matter is this: No kid plays with a broken Jack-in-the-Box for long, No kid will sit and turn a crank for hours if Jack never pops out. Eventually they move on to something else.
So the next time you can tell your child or teenager is beginning to turn the crank, picture yourself hiding inside the box, refusing to come out. Time them if you have to. It may be a silly game, but it just might work.
And eventually, at least for the moment, they'll give up and stop turning the crank.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The First Year of Placement
It has been a while since I spent any time with a small infant. Way too long apparently. But we had friends over the other night and I was able to experience first hand a fussy 3 month old baby.
I recently returned from presenting a training for staff at You Gotta Believe in NYC and the topic was covering Erickson's developmental stages as it relates to adoption. My theory is that placement is an emotional birth and thus the first year is spent developing attachment and emotionally the child, regardless of their physical age, is a newborn.
Here is where the biggest mistake of all adoptive parents is made. Unlike with an infant, adoptive parents, because the child is older, expect to get something back. During that first year, parents should respond as patiently with a child, and expect as much from the child, as they would a newborn baby.
Here are some of my observations about my 45 minutes of attempting to comfort a crying baby (whose mother said, by the way, that it wasn't the fact that it was me ... she is like this even with her own parents).
I'm going to write these tongue in cheek but if you replace the word "baby" with newly placed child or teenager, I think you'll understand how ridiculous it is for parents to place expectations on kids.
1) The baby can't do anything. This baby was helpless. Couldn't do anything for herself. I mean, good grief, I had to do everything for her. Even when I asked her nicely, she couldn't do anything.
2) The baby screamed. A lot. She had all kinds of very vocal needs and they were expressed by screaming. I spoke to her in a calm voice and asked her many times to stop acting out, but she simply would not stop.
3) She could not communicate her needs. All of her needs were expressed in the same way. When she was hungry, or had gas, or needed a diaper change, or needed to burp, or wanted to lie down, or sit up, or be held a different way, the only way she could communicate was by screaming. You'd think she could have used some words to tell me what she wanted, but she didn't know any. In fact, there were times when I was wondering if she even knew what she wanted.
4) I had a long talk with her. I tried explaining how her behavior made me feel. I attempted to articulate the ways in which in which it would be helpful for her to communicate better. I told her that her screaming was making me feel a bit anxious. I told her that other babies didn't scream like she did. I was tempted to scream back but I stopped myself, realizing it might not work. I don't think she understood anything I tried to communicate. Her screaming was drowning me out and I'm not sure she really grasped the concepts I was attempting to communicate. In fact, when I suggested that she might have consequences if she didn't stop crying, it didn't even phase her.
5) Even when I was very calm, she still was agitated until she was comfortable. It took a very long time and I had to remain calm and peaceful the whole time. When she could sense my frustration, she raged more.
Let's go back and look at those again from the standpoint of a child being placed in a new home.
1) Emotionally kids at placement cannot do anything. They may revert to a very younger version of themselves. They freeze up and literally cannot do the simplest things. There may be huge regression in every developmental area.
2) Kids first placed are on emotional high alert almost all of the time. While they may not be constantly screaming, they are either constantly acting out or completely shut down. There are rare moments when they are in the middle somewhere, but typical behavior is very emotionally out of control. They are so confused and mixed up that meltdowns of varying degrees and types may occur all the time. Asking them to stop is like asking a newborn nicely not to cry. It simply does not work.
3) At the beginning of a placement a child has no way of articulating their feelings. Even if they are teenagers, they really do not know what is going on inside emotionally. They cannot express what they need, often because they may not be sure exactly what it is they need. They may need distance, or a hug. They might need boundaries or less structure. They may need to be with people or be alone. They aren't sure what they need or how to express it, so meltdowns ensue.
4) Long talks with kids explaining rational things during the first year of placement seldom reach through the emotional upheaval. Explaining how their behavior is effecting them or the rest of the family when there in an emotionally heightened state, really does not work. It's sort of like Charlie Brown's teacher moaning along in the background while they are caught up in an internal frenzy and can comprehend nothing. Threatening consequences when the child or teen is agitated is as laughable an option with these children as it is with a screaming newborn. And, even though we've all done it at some point or another, yelling back never helps.
5) Remaining calm, loving and peaceful will get the best results. It still may result in a screaming child, emotionally out of control, raging endlessly, but it won't be escalated by parental stress. While this is a difficult thing to do, not doing it serves no purpose. A parent's anxious or frustrated response is not helpful to a newborn or infant -- nor is it to a 14 year old who was just placed in an adoptive home and is cussing out their parents.
I realize that this post is fairly simplistic, but it really struck me as I was holding the baby who was screaming just how ridiculous I was during the first placement we had of older children. I was on high alert all the time, responding to 11 and 8 year olds as if they were 11 and 8. I expected them to be grateful, reciprocating, age appropriate children who should consider themselves fortunate to finally have permanent parents. I expected compliance, respect, and cooperation to a certain degree. And I was convinced that if I used enough behavior modification, talked enough, lectured enough, explained enough, that they would "get it" and grow up and move on. I couldn't have been more wrong.
So when that teenager moves in your house, or that preteen, or that school age child, or even that four year old, you may be looking at a larger person, but emotionally you've got yourself an infant. Align your expectations that way, and I'm sure you will have a better first year than the alternative.
Because the alternative stinks. Been there, done that.
I recently returned from presenting a training for staff at You Gotta Believe in NYC and the topic was covering Erickson's developmental stages as it relates to adoption. My theory is that placement is an emotional birth and thus the first year is spent developing attachment and emotionally the child, regardless of their physical age, is a newborn.
Here is where the biggest mistake of all adoptive parents is made. Unlike with an infant, adoptive parents, because the child is older, expect to get something back. During that first year, parents should respond as patiently with a child, and expect as much from the child, as they would a newborn baby.
Here are some of my observations about my 45 minutes of attempting to comfort a crying baby (whose mother said, by the way, that it wasn't the fact that it was me ... she is like this even with her own parents).
I'm going to write these tongue in cheek but if you replace the word "baby" with newly placed child or teenager, I think you'll understand how ridiculous it is for parents to place expectations on kids.
1) The baby can't do anything. This baby was helpless. Couldn't do anything for herself. I mean, good grief, I had to do everything for her. Even when I asked her nicely, she couldn't do anything.
2) The baby screamed. A lot. She had all kinds of very vocal needs and they were expressed by screaming. I spoke to her in a calm voice and asked her many times to stop acting out, but she simply would not stop.
3) She could not communicate her needs. All of her needs were expressed in the same way. When she was hungry, or had gas, or needed a diaper change, or needed to burp, or wanted to lie down, or sit up, or be held a different way, the only way she could communicate was by screaming. You'd think she could have used some words to tell me what she wanted, but she didn't know any. In fact, there were times when I was wondering if she even knew what she wanted.
4) I had a long talk with her. I tried explaining how her behavior made me feel. I attempted to articulate the ways in which in which it would be helpful for her to communicate better. I told her that her screaming was making me feel a bit anxious. I told her that other babies didn't scream like she did. I was tempted to scream back but I stopped myself, realizing it might not work. I don't think she understood anything I tried to communicate. Her screaming was drowning me out and I'm not sure she really grasped the concepts I was attempting to communicate. In fact, when I suggested that she might have consequences if she didn't stop crying, it didn't even phase her.
5) Even when I was very calm, she still was agitated until she was comfortable. It took a very long time and I had to remain calm and peaceful the whole time. When she could sense my frustration, she raged more.
Let's go back and look at those again from the standpoint of a child being placed in a new home.
1) Emotionally kids at placement cannot do anything. They may revert to a very younger version of themselves. They freeze up and literally cannot do the simplest things. There may be huge regression in every developmental area.
2) Kids first placed are on emotional high alert almost all of the time. While they may not be constantly screaming, they are either constantly acting out or completely shut down. There are rare moments when they are in the middle somewhere, but typical behavior is very emotionally out of control. They are so confused and mixed up that meltdowns of varying degrees and types may occur all the time. Asking them to stop is like asking a newborn nicely not to cry. It simply does not work.
3) At the beginning of a placement a child has no way of articulating their feelings. Even if they are teenagers, they really do not know what is going on inside emotionally. They cannot express what they need, often because they may not be sure exactly what it is they need. They may need distance, or a hug. They might need boundaries or less structure. They may need to be with people or be alone. They aren't sure what they need or how to express it, so meltdowns ensue.
4) Long talks with kids explaining rational things during the first year of placement seldom reach through the emotional upheaval. Explaining how their behavior is effecting them or the rest of the family when there in an emotionally heightened state, really does not work. It's sort of like Charlie Brown's teacher moaning along in the background while they are caught up in an internal frenzy and can comprehend nothing. Threatening consequences when the child or teen is agitated is as laughable an option with these children as it is with a screaming newborn. And, even though we've all done it at some point or another, yelling back never helps.
5) Remaining calm, loving and peaceful will get the best results. It still may result in a screaming child, emotionally out of control, raging endlessly, but it won't be escalated by parental stress. While this is a difficult thing to do, not doing it serves no purpose. A parent's anxious or frustrated response is not helpful to a newborn or infant -- nor is it to a 14 year old who was just placed in an adoptive home and is cussing out their parents.
I realize that this post is fairly simplistic, but it really struck me as I was holding the baby who was screaming just how ridiculous I was during the first placement we had of older children. I was on high alert all the time, responding to 11 and 8 year olds as if they were 11 and 8. I expected them to be grateful, reciprocating, age appropriate children who should consider themselves fortunate to finally have permanent parents. I expected compliance, respect, and cooperation to a certain degree. And I was convinced that if I used enough behavior modification, talked enough, lectured enough, explained enough, that they would "get it" and grow up and move on. I couldn't have been more wrong.
So when that teenager moves in your house, or that preteen, or that school age child, or even that four year old, you may be looking at a larger person, but emotionally you've got yourself an infant. Align your expectations that way, and I'm sure you will have a better first year than the alternative.
Because the alternative stinks. Been there, done that.
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