Trying to sum up 18 years of experience with homeschooling both biological and adopted children is a daunting task but here is my best advice for you mothers homeschooling children with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
What are your goals for your child? What do you want your children to look like/be/do/experience by the time they graduate from high school?
I have an overall plan for my children with goals for their lives at the end of their homeschool education. For every single one of them, I desire that they have healthy relationships with their parents and siblings, show respect to both their elders and peers, and have the necessary skills to plan for their future. This is not the only thing we do in our homeschool but it sets the foundation for what we believe is most important.
Relationship or education?
As much as your RAD child wants to push you away and sabotage it, this is the most important aspect of your child's life. Learning about relationships and living with others is a key skill for adulthood.
For me, this has meant stepping back many (many, many, many) times and asking what is most important for this day. Is it beating those math facts over their heads one more time (and sometimes the answer is yes) or is it about stopping what we're doing to address the heart issues? To try once again to overcome the fear of abandonment, the debilitating shame and anxiety that encompass their hearts. Letting the child know in that moment that he/she has my complete and total attention. Praying over them one more time that they will take to heart the blessing they are to us.
Strive for excellence but accept limitations.
Whether your child is in a public, private or homeschool, the teacher can only pour into your child as much as the child can hold. Realizing that your child may not be capable of higher math or research papers is a part of the process. Just as there are classes for students with special needs in public school your child may have special needs that you are best equipped to address.
I want all my kids to be lifelong learners, to know how to research and experiment and find out where their gifts/interests lie. I want them to be decent, loving people who I still want to experience life with. If my kids accomplish my primary goal I believe they will be all these things.
Don't compare.
No one else is walking in your shoes so do not set yourself up for failure by comparing your homeschool to your neighbor down the street. They may participate in a classical education program, play every sport and at least one instrument while you're just hoping your child will get out of bed without screaming at you. No, I know from personal experience that homeschooling a wounded child is immeasurably different from homeschooling a biological child. It is possible and requires focusing only on your family.
Let go of some of the control battles.
Realize as your child is healing you will have a constant push/pull, especially with homeschooling. Your kids will probably sense how badly you want them to learn so they will make every day a struggle. It's just one more opportunity to show they're not going to do it your way.
How am I supposed to light a fire for learning in my children when I wonder if they'd rather light the house on fire with me in it? It's frustrating, exhausting, disheartening and stressful. I have to ask myself if it's really worth the struggle today over learning the parts of speech and algebraic equations (or in earlier years, writing their name legibly and pronouncing a three letter word correctly). The answer may be that it is because we have to push through. Diligence and perseverance are qualities we value highly. But those qualities apply just as much to diligence at winning my children's hearts and perseverance to love them in spite of their anger and disrespect and manipulative games. If you make every issue a control battle no one wins. Pick your battles wisely.
Teach your children about real life
Being at home allows you to teach your children in ways they learn best. Real life learning is essential for children, but even more so with our RAD kids. Give them the practical skills of taking care of themselves, earning and managing their money and practicing the decision making process. Grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning and laundry all count as life skills. Every day is an opportunity to teach my kids how to make wise choices and pick themselves up when they fail.
What does this look like for each child? Every child is different. Their learning style is different. Their emotional makeup is different. Their life experience is different. Their strengths and weaknesses are different. My relationship with each of them is different. My hopes/dreams/expectations for each of them is different. Part of homeschooling is learning about your child, modeling and teaching character, and knowing when to push and when to back off. Understanding when they've done their best or played dumb to push away. There is no perfect curriculum, no perfect teacher, no perfect homeschool. By allowing myself to grow and transform with my children I can be molded into a mother that can reach my child's heart while stimulating their natural mind and abilities they have been given.
Note: This article was sponsored by the Adopt America Network. If you'd like to read more about Marty's journey, you can find her blog at http://waldenbunch.blogspot.com/.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Nutritional interventions for children with FASD
My friend Kari Fletcher, who is very cool, agreed to write this article for the Adopt America Network as we support adoptive families. Adopt America doesn't mind if I share them with you... and I don't think Kari does either.
Note: If you are looking for a really good FASD speaker, Kari is awesome!)
“FASD is more than ‘just’ brain damage. We sometimes forget that prenatal alcohol exposure has damaged not only our children's brains, but their digestive tracts as well.” ~ Diane Black, Ph.D. , adoptive mother of children with FASD.
While much has been written about the damage prenatal exposure to alcohol can cause to a developing fetal brain, recent research has also focused on damage to digestive and immune systems and on promising nutritional interventions.
Children with neurological differences need optimal nutrition in order to function at their best. However, damage to the digestive and immune systems from toxins such as alcohol, repeated infections or antibiotics may cause “leaky gut syndrome” and a typical American diet may not be meeting their nutritional needs.
Sometimes a trial diet eliminating gluten (the protein in wheat, rye and barley) and casein (the protein in milk) is recommended to help heal the digestive and immune systems.
Gluten and casein are difficult proteins to digest and in addition to contributing to the damage to the intestinal walls, causing constipation, diarrhea and poor absorption of nutrients, these proteins are thought to have an effect on behaviors as well.
The theory is that some people do not completely digest gluten and casein and fragments called peptides are left behind. These fragments cross through the permeable intestinal wall (“leaky gut”) and enter the bloodstream, eventually crossing the blood brain barrier and having an opioid effect on the brain. Autism and schizophrenia are two disorders that have been linked to this opioid effect on the brain and therefore, behavior.
A gluten and casein free diet is certainly not a cure for FASD but it may be worth considering for digestive and immune system concerns, and it may even reduce some challenging behaviors! Some families have found that children with FASD who follow a gluten and casein free diet have improved health, better regulated moods, fewer sensory challenges, and improved focus.
An elimination diet can be challenging, especially for adoptive families of children who experienced food deprivation or have strong survival skills toward food (“hoarding” or “stealing” food). Adoptive families should focus on attachment first.
• Consult with a physician, nutritionist, or therapist before making any significant dietary adjustments.
• Put the entire family on the diet, not just the child. Food preparation is easier, and the whole family approach promotes a sense of team and togetherness.
• Strictly avoid gluten and casein for at least 3 to 6 months to see its benefits.
• Milk alternatives, like rice milk, often contain calcium and vitamin D, but supplements may be useful.
• Gluten and casein free does not mean healthy. Pre-made GFCF foods may contain added sugar and fats. Homemade options are less expensive, healthier, and more family friendly.
• Children with FASD may have other food sensitivities, so keep a food diary.
The gluten and casein free (GFCF) diet can be challenging, especially in the beginning, but some families have found the benefits to be well worth the challenge!
Note: If you are looking for a really good FASD speaker, Kari is awesome!)
“FASD is more than ‘just’ brain damage. We sometimes forget that prenatal alcohol exposure has damaged not only our children's brains, but their digestive tracts as well.” ~ Diane Black, Ph.D. , adoptive mother of children with FASD.
While much has been written about the damage prenatal exposure to alcohol can cause to a developing fetal brain, recent research has also focused on damage to digestive and immune systems and on promising nutritional interventions.
Children with neurological differences need optimal nutrition in order to function at their best. However, damage to the digestive and immune systems from toxins such as alcohol, repeated infections or antibiotics may cause “leaky gut syndrome” and a typical American diet may not be meeting their nutritional needs.
Sometimes a trial diet eliminating gluten (the protein in wheat, rye and barley) and casein (the protein in milk) is recommended to help heal the digestive and immune systems.
Gluten and casein are difficult proteins to digest and in addition to contributing to the damage to the intestinal walls, causing constipation, diarrhea and poor absorption of nutrients, these proteins are thought to have an effect on behaviors as well.
The theory is that some people do not completely digest gluten and casein and fragments called peptides are left behind. These fragments cross through the permeable intestinal wall (“leaky gut”) and enter the bloodstream, eventually crossing the blood brain barrier and having an opioid effect on the brain. Autism and schizophrenia are two disorders that have been linked to this opioid effect on the brain and therefore, behavior.
A gluten and casein free diet is certainly not a cure for FASD but it may be worth considering for digestive and immune system concerns, and it may even reduce some challenging behaviors! Some families have found that children with FASD who follow a gluten and casein free diet have improved health, better regulated moods, fewer sensory challenges, and improved focus.
An elimination diet can be challenging, especially for adoptive families of children who experienced food deprivation or have strong survival skills toward food (“hoarding” or “stealing” food). Adoptive families should focus on attachment first.
• Consult with a physician, nutritionist, or therapist before making any significant dietary adjustments.
• Put the entire family on the diet, not just the child. Food preparation is easier, and the whole family approach promotes a sense of team and togetherness.
• Strictly avoid gluten and casein for at least 3 to 6 months to see its benefits.
• Milk alternatives, like rice milk, often contain calcium and vitamin D, but supplements may be useful.
• Gluten and casein free does not mean healthy. Pre-made GFCF foods may contain added sugar and fats. Homemade options are less expensive, healthier, and more family friendly.
• Children with FASD may have other food sensitivities, so keep a food diary.
The gluten and casein free (GFCF) diet can be challenging, especially in the beginning, but some families have found the benefits to be well worth the challenge!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Have a Kid With Attachment Issues?
Third in a series of articles sponsored by the Adopt America Network.
Have a Kid with Attachment Issues?
Since the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder has become so popular for children who have spent some of their lives in foster care or institutions, there are hundreds of resources out there for living with children with these issues. It is important to remember that nearly all children coming from these backgrounds have attachment issues, regardless of weather or not they have an official diagnosis.
Parenting kids with attachment issues is hard work. The reason it is so difficult is that they do not inspire the kinds of responses that they need. Let me explain.
A child or teen with attachment issues has a goal to keep people as far away as possible because they are afraid of emotional intimacy. Their behavior is ugly, nasty, rude and mean. They push people away by disobeying, cursing, or being consistently oppositional. After a while, parents just want to STAY AWAY from their attachment disordered kids.
So when a therapist like Dan Hughes suggests that what parents need to do is to practice playfulness, love, acceptance, curiosity and empathy, our internal response as parents is “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!” After weeks or months or even years of being barraged with negative energy from kids, the idea of being playful and loving seems it will take more emotional energy than we can find within ourselves.
But it’s what they need. Unfortunately, we did not cause them to be this way but in order for us to help them heal, we need to practice very intentional parenting. Here are three tips that will help you be able to give your kids what you need.
1) Make sure you take care of yourself. You’ll need to be in the best emotional shape possible in order to continue to give when not receiving in return. Hang out with people who support you. Get enough sleep. Exercise and eat right. Consider yourself to be in training for a special mission – because this is harder than almost anything else you will ever have to do.
2) Pick your battles wisely. If you are consistently arguing about small things, there won’t be time to engage positively. Arguing with a child who has attachment issues simply gives them what they want. Distract them by changing the subject. Do unexpected things to make them laugh. Don’t let yourself get wrapped up in an argument that has no end in site. It’s not easy to be playful, loving, accepting, curious, or empathetic when they have gotten you to a place of anger and frustration. So be the adult. Don’t let them take you there.
3) Find things that you really like about your son/daughter and focus on them. Bring to mind positive memories you have shared. Focus on them as people, not their behaviors. Challenge yourself to make positive moments in each day that will create memories to look back on tomorrow.
If you have met me in person you know that I seldom get this right, but I do understand the importance of doing it. It’s not an issue of having the right personality or temperament. It’s about reframing the way you see things, and changing your response to your kids – because it is going to take a long time for them to change, if they ever do.
In conclusion, living with a kid with attachment issue requires living by the principles found in the revised serenity prayer, which I repeat to myself and quote often (even though I’ve never seen it attributed to anyone except “anonymous”):
Lord, give me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change;
The courage to change the person I can;
And the wisdom to know it’s me.
YOU CAN DO IT. Believe you can and start making small changes today.
Have a Kid with Attachment Issues?
Since the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder has become so popular for children who have spent some of their lives in foster care or institutions, there are hundreds of resources out there for living with children with these issues. It is important to remember that nearly all children coming from these backgrounds have attachment issues, regardless of weather or not they have an official diagnosis.
Parenting kids with attachment issues is hard work. The reason it is so difficult is that they do not inspire the kinds of responses that they need. Let me explain.
A child or teen with attachment issues has a goal to keep people as far away as possible because they are afraid of emotional intimacy. Their behavior is ugly, nasty, rude and mean. They push people away by disobeying, cursing, or being consistently oppositional. After a while, parents just want to STAY AWAY from their attachment disordered kids.
So when a therapist like Dan Hughes suggests that what parents need to do is to practice playfulness, love, acceptance, curiosity and empathy, our internal response as parents is “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!” After weeks or months or even years of being barraged with negative energy from kids, the idea of being playful and loving seems it will take more emotional energy than we can find within ourselves.
But it’s what they need. Unfortunately, we did not cause them to be this way but in order for us to help them heal, we need to practice very intentional parenting. Here are three tips that will help you be able to give your kids what you need.
1) Make sure you take care of yourself. You’ll need to be in the best emotional shape possible in order to continue to give when not receiving in return. Hang out with people who support you. Get enough sleep. Exercise and eat right. Consider yourself to be in training for a special mission – because this is harder than almost anything else you will ever have to do.
2) Pick your battles wisely. If you are consistently arguing about small things, there won’t be time to engage positively. Arguing with a child who has attachment issues simply gives them what they want. Distract them by changing the subject. Do unexpected things to make them laugh. Don’t let yourself get wrapped up in an argument that has no end in site. It’s not easy to be playful, loving, accepting, curious, or empathetic when they have gotten you to a place of anger and frustration. So be the adult. Don’t let them take you there.
3) Find things that you really like about your son/daughter and focus on them. Bring to mind positive memories you have shared. Focus on them as people, not their behaviors. Challenge yourself to make positive moments in each day that will create memories to look back on tomorrow.
If you have met me in person you know that I seldom get this right, but I do understand the importance of doing it. It’s not an issue of having the right personality or temperament. It’s about reframing the way you see things, and changing your response to your kids – because it is going to take a long time for them to change, if they ever do.
In conclusion, living with a kid with attachment issue requires living by the principles found in the revised serenity prayer, which I repeat to myself and quote often (even though I’ve never seen it attributed to anyone except “anonymous”):
Lord, give me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change;
The courage to change the person I can;
And the wisdom to know it’s me.
YOU CAN DO IT. Believe you can and start making small changes today.
Tired of Waiting?
Another article sponsored by the Adopt America Network. Please check out their website.
Tired of Waiting?
In the adoption process there are several waiting periods, but the two most difficult are:
the time between the completion of training, paperwork, and homestudy and the match of their child, and;
the time between when the match is made and the child or children actually move into the home.
Here are some suggestions for you as you participate in each of those two stages:
From Homestudy Completion to Match:
The temptation before being matched is to spend time thinking about the house and how to prepare it. But the issue before being matched with a specific sibling group or child is preparing yourself as a person and as a parent-to-be. Here are some suggestions:
1. Read, read, read, read, read. Books, magazines, articles, online blogs and websites, anything that you can get your hands on about children in the system. A special focus should be given to attachment disorder and fetal alcohol issues as you will most likely face them.
2. Volunteer to do respite care or be involved with children in some way. A crisis nursery, a headstart program in a low-income neighborhood, a Big-Brother or Big-Sister program, or spending time with teens at a Residential Treatment Center can provide invaluable training and also will make you more matchable.
3. Spend time attending support groups, conferences, and other events where you can meet parents of adopted children. Talk to them about their experiences and get to know their children.
From Match to Placement: When you find out you will be welcoming a child into your home, use the waiting time to prepare for that specific child or sibling group. Ask your questions carefully so you can use your waiting time wisely.
...Again, read, read, read but this time more specifically. Focus on the issues of the children who are coming to your home.
….Shop.
...Decorate a room.
...Plan a schedule.
...Enroll the kids in school.
...Purchase bedding.
...Get insurance information.
...Alert your doctor/dentist.
...Identify their therapist or psychiatrist.
...Calendar their currently scheduled appointments.
...Begin a scrapbook for them.
There are many things that you can do to make the time go fast. It is important to think through how your schedule will change when a new child enters your home. You are not adding a child to your existing life; you are welcoming a child who will change the way you and your family functions. Decide early on what are foundational values and practices of your family’s life together so that you can maintain a sense of stability in the midst of necessary changes.
Kids in care find security in structure, whether they are able to identify this or not (and with some diagnoses “structure” may initially create some challenges). The clearer the structure – and do not mistake clarity for rigidity – the better. Thinking through each day will help not only you, but also your children to get a sense of what to expect each day and each week during their stay with you. This kind of structure alleviates anxiety and provides a more secure sense of calm.
Don’t waste your waiting times. Take full advantage of the extra time because it won’t be long before you feel like you never have a free minute!
Tired of Waiting?
In the adoption process there are several waiting periods, but the two most difficult are:
the time between the completion of training, paperwork, and homestudy and the match of their child, and;
the time between when the match is made and the child or children actually move into the home.
Here are some suggestions for you as you participate in each of those two stages:
From Homestudy Completion to Match:
The temptation before being matched is to spend time thinking about the house and how to prepare it. But the issue before being matched with a specific sibling group or child is preparing yourself as a person and as a parent-to-be. Here are some suggestions:
1. Read, read, read, read, read. Books, magazines, articles, online blogs and websites, anything that you can get your hands on about children in the system. A special focus should be given to attachment disorder and fetal alcohol issues as you will most likely face them.
2. Volunteer to do respite care or be involved with children in some way. A crisis nursery, a headstart program in a low-income neighborhood, a Big-Brother or Big-Sister program, or spending time with teens at a Residential Treatment Center can provide invaluable training and also will make you more matchable.
3. Spend time attending support groups, conferences, and other events where you can meet parents of adopted children. Talk to them about their experiences and get to know their children.
From Match to Placement: When you find out you will be welcoming a child into your home, use the waiting time to prepare for that specific child or sibling group. Ask your questions carefully so you can use your waiting time wisely.
...Again, read, read, read but this time more specifically. Focus on the issues of the children who are coming to your home.
….Shop.
...Decorate a room.
...Plan a schedule.
...Enroll the kids in school.
...Purchase bedding.
...Get insurance information.
...Alert your doctor/dentist.
...Identify their therapist or psychiatrist.
...Calendar their currently scheduled appointments.
...Begin a scrapbook for them.
There are many things that you can do to make the time go fast. It is important to think through how your schedule will change when a new child enters your home. You are not adding a child to your existing life; you are welcoming a child who will change the way you and your family functions. Decide early on what are foundational values and practices of your family’s life together so that you can maintain a sense of stability in the midst of necessary changes.
Kids in care find security in structure, whether they are able to identify this or not (and with some diagnoses “structure” may initially create some challenges). The clearer the structure – and do not mistake clarity for rigidity – the better. Thinking through each day will help not only you, but also your children to get a sense of what to expect each day and each week during their stay with you. This kind of structure alleviates anxiety and provides a more secure sense of calm.
Don’t waste your waiting times. Take full advantage of the extra time because it won’t be long before you feel like you never have a free minute!
Online Support Groups
The following article is sponsored by the Adopt America Network, a non-profit that has been working for nearly 30 years to match waiting children with families.
Online Support: The Perfect Answer for Many Adoptive Parents
Support can come in lots of ways for people who have adopted children who have special needs. Talking to someone who “gets it” is one of the best things that we as adoptive parents can do to normalize our experience and feel like we are not alone. However, some types of support just aren’t possibilities for us during our most trying of days.
Here are some reasons why “real life” as opposed to virtual, online support aren’t possible for adoptive parents:
1) Traditional support groups require us to leave our homes. This requires child care. Many adoption support groups do not provide child care.
2) Traditional support groups that meet in person sometimes offer child care. However, sometimes our children simply cannot function in that setting -- even if it is geared to special needs children.
3) Sometimes we are simply to exhausted to make ourselves look presentable. Even if we want to get out and go to a group, it would require having time for a shower and ttime to find clothes that match and don’t have holes in them, perhaps makeup or perfume... you get the idea. Sometimes we’re just too tired at the end of the day to get there.
4) If we can’t meet in person, phone calls are the next best thing. However, it is quite embarrassing to be talking to someone with the noise of a kid raging in the background or while being called a variety of interesting and colorful names by an angry teenager. After we’ve said, “wait, hold on a second” five or six times it just gets too frustrating to try any longer.
5) Having visitors would be another natural way to connect with others, but I know you can think of 30 reasons why THAT isn’t going to happen. At least I can.
6) Meeting another adoptive parent for coffee or lunch is a great idea IF all the kids are in school and IF the school isn’t calling to interrupt the lunch or coffee time to say that we have to come to the school to intervene, give advice, or bring them home.
So, naturally, those of us who have interesting children at home often can’t find support by going to a “real life” support group. We can’t have people over, go out to meet someone, or talk on the phone. Fortunately, there is the internet and now even those of us in the midst of the battle in the trenches can participate in an online group.
So obviously, after reading the paragraphs above, you should already be able to articulate these reasons why online support has been my favorite type in my fifteen years as a foster and adoptive parent:
I don’t have to get dressed up. In fact I don’t have to get dressed at all. I don’t have to go anywhere. I can do it any time of day or night, it doesn’t matter if everyone is awake, or nobody is. Nobody can hear the noise and chaos in the background. I also find that the ability to write down what I am feeling (which often is required for online support) helps me understand myself more.
So if you are finding a need to “talk” to “someone who gets it” during the next weeks, why not check out online support options? List servs, message boards, blogs, and other avenues of online connections can be just what you are looking for.
Online Support: The Perfect Answer for Many Adoptive Parents
Support can come in lots of ways for people who have adopted children who have special needs. Talking to someone who “gets it” is one of the best things that we as adoptive parents can do to normalize our experience and feel like we are not alone. However, some types of support just aren’t possibilities for us during our most trying of days.
Here are some reasons why “real life” as opposed to virtual, online support aren’t possible for adoptive parents:
1) Traditional support groups require us to leave our homes. This requires child care. Many adoption support groups do not provide child care.
2) Traditional support groups that meet in person sometimes offer child care. However, sometimes our children simply cannot function in that setting -- even if it is geared to special needs children.
3) Sometimes we are simply to exhausted to make ourselves look presentable. Even if we want to get out and go to a group, it would require having time for a shower and ttime to find clothes that match and don’t have holes in them, perhaps makeup or perfume... you get the idea. Sometimes we’re just too tired at the end of the day to get there.
4) If we can’t meet in person, phone calls are the next best thing. However, it is quite embarrassing to be talking to someone with the noise of a kid raging in the background or while being called a variety of interesting and colorful names by an angry teenager. After we’ve said, “wait, hold on a second” five or six times it just gets too frustrating to try any longer.
5) Having visitors would be another natural way to connect with others, but I know you can think of 30 reasons why THAT isn’t going to happen. At least I can.
6) Meeting another adoptive parent for coffee or lunch is a great idea IF all the kids are in school and IF the school isn’t calling to interrupt the lunch or coffee time to say that we have to come to the school to intervene, give advice, or bring them home.
So, naturally, those of us who have interesting children at home often can’t find support by going to a “real life” support group. We can’t have people over, go out to meet someone, or talk on the phone. Fortunately, there is the internet and now even those of us in the midst of the battle in the trenches can participate in an online group.
So obviously, after reading the paragraphs above, you should already be able to articulate these reasons why online support has been my favorite type in my fifteen years as a foster and adoptive parent:
I don’t have to get dressed up. In fact I don’t have to get dressed at all. I don’t have to go anywhere. I can do it any time of day or night, it doesn’t matter if everyone is awake, or nobody is. Nobody can hear the noise and chaos in the background. I also find that the ability to write down what I am feeling (which often is required for online support) helps me understand myself more.
So if you are finding a need to “talk” to “someone who gets it” during the next weeks, why not check out online support options? List servs, message boards, blogs, and other avenues of online connections can be just what you are looking for.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Relationship not Behavior
In retrospect, I have one major regret in my earlier parenting. For the first two placements of older children, I focused on behavior -- attempting to modify it, change it, fix it -- instead of attachment. And the results have been less than satisfactory.
When these particular boys moved into my home my immediate reaction was, "Oh My Goodness!!!! i have so much work to do to prepare them for adulthood." I needed to get busy and fast because their behaviors were completely unacceptable.
Imagine if this was the approach of someone who had begun to get to know a person they thought they wanted to marry. What if on the first date, a woman said, "Welcome to my life. I can see right now that your table manners aren't appropriate, so let's begin working on that right now. Let me show you how to hold a fork." How long would the relationship last? It would die before it began.
Since my first placements I have learned that my first task should be to be the kind of person my child can fall in love with. I need to do and say things that will make them feel good about me. When they do make a mistake, or break a rule, I need to remind them lovingly that this is not how we do things, but that I am still committed to them and love them unconditionally.
This is one of the most important things I have learned as a parent who adopted older children: No child is going to attempt to please or obey an adult to whom they are not attached. When I was growing up, I didn't want to disappoint my mom and dad. I wanted to please them. This was because of our relationship which was healthy, attached, and foundational.
Demanding that children obey us while they are basically still strangers simply because someone has told them that they have a new parent is downright ridiculous. And yet I did it and many parents do. The focus is all on behavior and the child or teen moves in thinking "wow, did I end up with a witch for a mom."
A couple things about behaviors: First, some of them never go away. Mental illness or organic brain damage due to prenatal exposure to alcohol will not go away just because a child is placed in a loving home. And secondly, they'll be around later and you can deal with them then.
When I was a college administrator responsible for discipline I learned the concept, "Get them to respect you first, and later worry about them liking you." I took this principal into adoption and parenting and it ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WORK. Some of the kids never really came to love me as their mom and respect never came either.
Focus that first year on getting the kid to fall in love with you. If you do, you can worry about behavior. I'm not saying to ignore rule violations, but under-react. Keep the focus on the child, on attachment, on learning to understand your child and years down the road you'll be much farther ahead than those who started tackling behavior the day the kids moved it.
The voice of wistful experience, combined with regret, has spoken.
When these particular boys moved into my home my immediate reaction was, "Oh My Goodness!!!! i have so much work to do to prepare them for adulthood." I needed to get busy and fast because their behaviors were completely unacceptable.
Imagine if this was the approach of someone who had begun to get to know a person they thought they wanted to marry. What if on the first date, a woman said, "Welcome to my life. I can see right now that your table manners aren't appropriate, so let's begin working on that right now. Let me show you how to hold a fork." How long would the relationship last? It would die before it began.
Since my first placements I have learned that my first task should be to be the kind of person my child can fall in love with. I need to do and say things that will make them feel good about me. When they do make a mistake, or break a rule, I need to remind them lovingly that this is not how we do things, but that I am still committed to them and love them unconditionally.
This is one of the most important things I have learned as a parent who adopted older children: No child is going to attempt to please or obey an adult to whom they are not attached. When I was growing up, I didn't want to disappoint my mom and dad. I wanted to please them. This was because of our relationship which was healthy, attached, and foundational.
Demanding that children obey us while they are basically still strangers simply because someone has told them that they have a new parent is downright ridiculous. And yet I did it and many parents do. The focus is all on behavior and the child or teen moves in thinking "wow, did I end up with a witch for a mom."
A couple things about behaviors: First, some of them never go away. Mental illness or organic brain damage due to prenatal exposure to alcohol will not go away just because a child is placed in a loving home. And secondly, they'll be around later and you can deal with them then.
When I was a college administrator responsible for discipline I learned the concept, "Get them to respect you first, and later worry about them liking you." I took this principal into adoption and parenting and it ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WORK. Some of the kids never really came to love me as their mom and respect never came either.
Focus that first year on getting the kid to fall in love with you. If you do, you can worry about behavior. I'm not saying to ignore rule violations, but under-react. Keep the focus on the child, on attachment, on learning to understand your child and years down the road you'll be much farther ahead than those who started tackling behavior the day the kids moved it.
The voice of wistful experience, combined with regret, has spoken.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Taking away the Weapons before Sending Us to War
As with any analogy, there are things that don't apply... and of course states differbut I've been thinking lately about foster care being like boot camp.
In foster care we are given weapons. We have a caseworker who is supposed to be at our disposal for consultation and to provide resources. Respite care is often available for foster parents. Foster children automatically receive WIC, they automatically get free lunch, they often are except from charges for sports. There are often transporters who are hired to give foster children rides to other places or, if not, mileage in some cases is covered. And in a lot of cases, foster care rates are much higher than adoption subsidy. And often, sometimes most importantly, if a If a child needs residential treatment or a psychiatric hospitalization, it is available at no cost to the foster parent.
But then boot camp is over and it's time to finalize the adoption, After court, there is no caseworker to bounce ideas off of. Finding respite care is now our responsibility and sometimes, depending on the state, is no longer paid for. Family income is used to determine WIC and free lunch and all the sudden charges for activities are at the regular charge. Subsidy in some states can be as much as half as much as the foster care rate, so the family experiences a decrease in family income.
And, most tragically, in order to get residential treatment the family must often go through a court hearing and have a CHIPS petition filed in order to get services that they don't have to pay for.
So we are sent off to war without our weapons. In boot camp we're trained to use them, but right before we're sent off to war things are taken away one by one.
If we're lucky, the war is easy -- and we were over prepared in boot camp for battles that never come. But in most situations, as a child ages their behaviors increase instead of decrease. Mental health issues become more prevalent for teens and the result can be catastrophic.
And so, without all these weapons, we are facing serious battles and the only way to get our weapons back is to be accused ourselves of neglecting or abandoning our children as a CHIPS petition is filed. Kari shared her frustration about this morning on her blog..
I don't know for sure what the answers are, and I am more than capable of arguing the other side of this issue, but it seems to me that being able to head into the battle with at least some of the weapons we've been trained to use in boot camp might not be a bad plan.
In foster care we are given weapons. We have a caseworker who is supposed to be at our disposal for consultation and to provide resources. Respite care is often available for foster parents. Foster children automatically receive WIC, they automatically get free lunch, they often are except from charges for sports. There are often transporters who are hired to give foster children rides to other places or, if not, mileage in some cases is covered. And in a lot of cases, foster care rates are much higher than adoption subsidy. And often, sometimes most importantly, if a If a child needs residential treatment or a psychiatric hospitalization, it is available at no cost to the foster parent.
But then boot camp is over and it's time to finalize the adoption, After court, there is no caseworker to bounce ideas off of. Finding respite care is now our responsibility and sometimes, depending on the state, is no longer paid for. Family income is used to determine WIC and free lunch and all the sudden charges for activities are at the regular charge. Subsidy in some states can be as much as half as much as the foster care rate, so the family experiences a decrease in family income.
And, most tragically, in order to get residential treatment the family must often go through a court hearing and have a CHIPS petition filed in order to get services that they don't have to pay for.
So we are sent off to war without our weapons. In boot camp we're trained to use them, but right before we're sent off to war things are taken away one by one.
If we're lucky, the war is easy -- and we were over prepared in boot camp for battles that never come. But in most situations, as a child ages their behaviors increase instead of decrease. Mental health issues become more prevalent for teens and the result can be catastrophic.
And so, without all these weapons, we are facing serious battles and the only way to get our weapons back is to be accused ourselves of neglecting or abandoning our children as a CHIPS petition is filed. Kari shared her frustration about this morning on her blog..
I don't know for sure what the answers are, and I am more than capable of arguing the other side of this issue, but it seems to me that being able to head into the battle with at least some of the weapons we've been trained to use in boot camp might not be a bad plan.
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