We have two choices concerning money issues. Earn more or spend less. Or both. Many, many families are living paycheck to paycheck or borrowing money they may not know how to pay back. The tips I want to share are ways to help you save money.
Food
Eat out less often. When you do, use coupons or order daily specials when at all possible. If you have young children visit those restaurants that have free kids meals.
Limit the use of convenience foods.
Read the grocery store circular before going shopping.
Buy the loss leader (items that are priced low to get shoppers in the store).
Clip manufacturer and store coupons and combine them with double (or triple) coupon days. Make sure you know the rules for your store.
Don't shop hungry.
Make a list and stick to it, deviating only with extremely good buys.
Investigate a big box store (Costco, Sam's) and decide if the membership price is worth the deals on food and other items.
Clothes
Yard sales. The absolute best place to buy clothes that are barely used or even new. Usually priced to sell. Examine each item to make sure zippers and buttons work and no stains are present. Prices are often negotiable. When you find a great deal, stock up! If you spend $1 on something that doesn't fit and save yourself $50 by buying other used merchandise the money saved is $49.
Thrift stores. Find the best stores in your area and stop by as often as you can. Make a list of items and sizes you will need in the future. Some thrift stores have special sale days or racks. These stores also usually have furniture, home decor, toys and videos for sale.
Buying new. If you have to buy new, watch for sales and shop at stores that honor customer loyalty with rewards or discounts. Save gas and order online if you can easily judge sizes and fit.
CVS/Drugstore Rewards
There are blogs devoted to playing the "drugstore game." Customers are rewarded "dollars" for buying certain items, with the "dollars" to be used at a future purchase.
This past Thanksgiving I went to my CVS store and bought $120 worth of items and received $120 in Extracare Bucks, making my next purchases free! If you pair these sales with manufacturer and drugstore coupons it is possible to even make money!
Ask questions! I had $12 worth of Extracare Bucks that had expired a day earlier and I asked the cashier if I could still use them. She said yes. Most days I would have been too shy to ask.
Craigslist
Here is a tremendous resource to help you buy and sell everything from furniture to cars to services. This includes help wanted listings, apartment and home listings, personals and more.
Bartering
In today's economy more people are willing to barter in exchange for goods
or services. We have bartered painting services for piano lessons, lawn care, vacation rental and therapy for our kids. You won't know until you ask!
Today we are all blessed to have access to an over abundance of money saving resources through the internet. There are ways to save money in practically every area of our lives. And somewhere on the net is someone dying to tell you how to do it! Read, research and invest some time in learning what works best for your family.
Post sponsored by the Adopt America Network.
Written by Marty Walden http://www.martysmusings.net/
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
What Parents Need to Know about Pediatric Psych Hospitalization
Psychiatric hospitalizations are stressful and the whole family is in crisis when it happens. It is something that no family makes an active plan for because we don't want to think about the difficulty of a mental health crisis. No one gets up in the morning and says, "I think my child is going to commit suicide today." But it does happen, and every family needs to develop a crisis plan for medical and mental health emergencies alike. It can help the family navigate through a really difficult crisis.
Parenting a child who has challenging behaviors is a really tough thing. Many parents who share this journey will tell you that life is no longer Black and White. Our lives and our challenges get very grey. When a child routinely throws objects, breaks things and threatens, how do you know when it is time to seek a hospitalization for your child? How do you know if the ranting and screaming is psychosis or if it is behavioral?
It's really important to note that psychiatric hospitalization programs are meant to be short term stabilization programs. The staff there does not know your child, and will not create a meaningful plan for your family. It is basically a holding pattern for a child: a safe place where that child will be watched against self harm and harm to others. It's not a solution for your child, it is a safety valve.
Here are some considerations on the decision to seek a hospitalization for your child.
When to GO to the hospital:
The child is a DANGER TO SELF. The child is actively hurting themselves. Does the child have a plan? It is not enough for a child to be threatening suicide. The child who requires hospitalization will have a plan and the ability to follow through on it. You know your child best, and you usually know when it is an emotional threat only.
Child is ENDANGERING OTHERS. A child who is out of control and is actively threatening bodily harm to others may be a candidate for hospitalization. This can look different to each parent, but the behavior has to be truly dangerous to others. (Think "throwing chairs at people" vs "throwing toys that could hurt if struck")
If the child is out of control, call 911 emergency services. Placing a child in a car that is in psychosis can cause an accident. Few parents are calm enough to safely transport a child who is in crisis. The ambulance is the safest place for a child being transported to the hospital. If your County has one, consider calling your County's Crisis Intervention Program to help facilitate a hospitalization.
Considerations before you leave your home:
Insurance: Check out your benefits coverage and requirements for inpatient and outpatient care and providers. Investigate the costs of out of network providers which may be needed. This research needs to be done early and included in the crisis plan.
Know where the providers are located. There are limited numbers of hospitals that have Pediatric Psychiatric Units. This will lessen the numbers of transitions in the hospitalization process.
There is NO GUARANTEE that the child will be admitted, especially if the child is calm and lucid upon arrival. This is extremely frustrating as the decision to attempt hospitalization is difficult for the family.
There is no guarantee of stay at the hospital. 3-5 days is average, but the child may be released earlier or later. This makes planning difficult.
Admission to the hospital may not change the child's situation. It may even make the situation worse in some cases.
Medications may not be modified during the hospital stay. This can be very frustrating if this is the parent's expectation. Alternatively, a medication change or addition may be recommended to the parent's surprise.
Outpatient psychiatrists do not have hospital rights. This means that even if the child's psychiatrist recommends a hospitalization, this does not guarantee the child will be admitted.
Plan to spend hours at admittance. This is a slow process and there is a high chance that there will not be a bed available. Families at minimum will spend 4-5 hours at admittance, and it can take over 24 hours if the child meets the hospitalization criteria and must wait for an opening.
Limited availability of pediatric psychiatric beds translates to fewer intakes. If admitted, your child may be transported to a hospital that has an open bed and may be located hours away.
Hopefully, this will help you understand the complex process of hospitalization. You can find more interesting and helpful articles at www.toolboxparent.com
Note: This article was sponsored by the Adopt America Network and was written by Deb Fjeld.
Parenting a child who has challenging behaviors is a really tough thing. Many parents who share this journey will tell you that life is no longer Black and White. Our lives and our challenges get very grey. When a child routinely throws objects, breaks things and threatens, how do you know when it is time to seek a hospitalization for your child? How do you know if the ranting and screaming is psychosis or if it is behavioral?
It's really important to note that psychiatric hospitalization programs are meant to be short term stabilization programs. The staff there does not know your child, and will not create a meaningful plan for your family. It is basically a holding pattern for a child: a safe place where that child will be watched against self harm and harm to others. It's not a solution for your child, it is a safety valve.
Here are some considerations on the decision to seek a hospitalization for your child.
When to GO to the hospital:
The child is a DANGER TO SELF. The child is actively hurting themselves. Does the child have a plan? It is not enough for a child to be threatening suicide. The child who requires hospitalization will have a plan and the ability to follow through on it. You know your child best, and you usually know when it is an emotional threat only.
Child is ENDANGERING OTHERS. A child who is out of control and is actively threatening bodily harm to others may be a candidate for hospitalization. This can look different to each parent, but the behavior has to be truly dangerous to others. (Think "throwing chairs at people" vs "throwing toys that could hurt if struck")
If the child is out of control, call 911 emergency services. Placing a child in a car that is in psychosis can cause an accident. Few parents are calm enough to safely transport a child who is in crisis. The ambulance is the safest place for a child being transported to the hospital. If your County has one, consider calling your County's Crisis Intervention Program to help facilitate a hospitalization.
Considerations before you leave your home:
Insurance: Check out your benefits coverage and requirements for inpatient and outpatient care and providers. Investigate the costs of out of network providers which may be needed. This research needs to be done early and included in the crisis plan.
Know where the providers are located. There are limited numbers of hospitals that have Pediatric Psychiatric Units. This will lessen the numbers of transitions in the hospitalization process.
There is NO GUARANTEE that the child will be admitted, especially if the child is calm and lucid upon arrival. This is extremely frustrating as the decision to attempt hospitalization is difficult for the family.
There is no guarantee of stay at the hospital. 3-5 days is average, but the child may be released earlier or later. This makes planning difficult.
Admission to the hospital may not change the child's situation. It may even make the situation worse in some cases.
Medications may not be modified during the hospital stay. This can be very frustrating if this is the parent's expectation. Alternatively, a medication change or addition may be recommended to the parent's surprise.
Outpatient psychiatrists do not have hospital rights. This means that even if the child's psychiatrist recommends a hospitalization, this does not guarantee the child will be admitted.
Plan to spend hours at admittance. This is a slow process and there is a high chance that there will not be a bed available. Families at minimum will spend 4-5 hours at admittance, and it can take over 24 hours if the child meets the hospitalization criteria and must wait for an opening.
Limited availability of pediatric psychiatric beds translates to fewer intakes. If admitted, your child may be transported to a hospital that has an open bed and may be located hours away.
Hopefully, this will help you understand the complex process of hospitalization. You can find more interesting and helpful articles at www.toolboxparent.com
Note: This article was sponsored by the Adopt America Network and was written by Deb Fjeld.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Homeschooling Children with RAD
Trying to sum up 18 years of experience with homeschooling both biological and adopted children is a daunting task but here is my best advice for you mothers homeschooling children with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
What are your goals for your child? What do you want your children to look like/be/do/experience by the time they graduate from high school?
I have an overall plan for my children with goals for their lives at the end of their homeschool education. For every single one of them, I desire that they have healthy relationships with their parents and siblings, show respect to both their elders and peers, and have the necessary skills to plan for their future. This is not the only thing we do in our homeschool but it sets the foundation for what we believe is most important.
Relationship or education?
As much as your RAD child wants to push you away and sabotage it, this is the most important aspect of your child's life. Learning about relationships and living with others is a key skill for adulthood.
For me, this has meant stepping back many (many, many, many) times and asking what is most important for this day. Is it beating those math facts over their heads one more time (and sometimes the answer is yes) or is it about stopping what we're doing to address the heart issues? To try once again to overcome the fear of abandonment, the debilitating shame and anxiety that encompass their hearts. Letting the child know in that moment that he/she has my complete and total attention. Praying over them one more time that they will take to heart the blessing they are to us.
Strive for excellence but accept limitations.
Whether your child is in a public, private or homeschool, the teacher can only pour into your child as much as the child can hold. Realizing that your child may not be capable of higher math or research papers is a part of the process. Just as there are classes for students with special needs in public school your child may have special needs that you are best equipped to address.
I want all my kids to be lifelong learners, to know how to research and experiment and find out where their gifts/interests lie. I want them to be decent, loving people who I still want to experience life with. If my kids accomplish my primary goal I believe they will be all these things.
Don't compare.
No one else is walking in your shoes so do not set yourself up for failure by comparing your homeschool to your neighbor down the street. They may participate in a classical education program, play every sport and at least one instrument while you're just hoping your child will get out of bed without screaming at you. No, I know from personal experience that homeschooling a wounded child is immeasurably different from homeschooling a biological child. It is possible and requires focusing only on your family.
Let go of some of the control battles.
Realize as your child is healing you will have a constant push/pull, especially with homeschooling. Your kids will probably sense how badly you want them to learn so they will make every day a struggle. It's just one more opportunity to show they're not going to do it your way.
How am I supposed to light a fire for learning in my children when I wonder if they'd rather light the house on fire with me in it? It's frustrating, exhausting, disheartening and stressful. I have to ask myself if it's really worth the struggle today over learning the parts of speech and algebraic equations (or in earlier years, writing their name legibly and pronouncing a three letter word correctly). The answer may be that it is because we have to push through. Diligence and perseverance are qualities we value highly. But those qualities apply just as much to diligence at winning my children's hearts and perseverance to love them in spite of their anger and disrespect and manipulative games. If you make every issue a control battle no one wins. Pick your battles wisely.
Teach your children about real life
Being at home allows you to teach your children in ways they learn best. Real life learning is essential for children, but even more so with our RAD kids. Give them the practical skills of taking care of themselves, earning and managing their money and practicing the decision making process. Grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning and laundry all count as life skills. Every day is an opportunity to teach my kids how to make wise choices and pick themselves up when they fail.
What does this look like for each child? Every child is different. Their learning style is different. Their emotional makeup is different. Their life experience is different. Their strengths and weaknesses are different. My relationship with each of them is different. My hopes/dreams/expectations for each of them is different. Part of homeschooling is learning about your child, modeling and teaching character, and knowing when to push and when to back off. Understanding when they've done their best or played dumb to push away. There is no perfect curriculum, no perfect teacher, no perfect homeschool. By allowing myself to grow and transform with my children I can be molded into a mother that can reach my child's heart while stimulating their natural mind and abilities they have been given.
Note: This article was sponsored by the Adopt America Network. If you'd like to read more about Marty's journey, you can find her blog at http://waldenbunch.blogspot.com/.
What are your goals for your child? What do you want your children to look like/be/do/experience by the time they graduate from high school?
I have an overall plan for my children with goals for their lives at the end of their homeschool education. For every single one of them, I desire that they have healthy relationships with their parents and siblings, show respect to both their elders and peers, and have the necessary skills to plan for their future. This is not the only thing we do in our homeschool but it sets the foundation for what we believe is most important.
Relationship or education?
As much as your RAD child wants to push you away and sabotage it, this is the most important aspect of your child's life. Learning about relationships and living with others is a key skill for adulthood.
For me, this has meant stepping back many (many, many, many) times and asking what is most important for this day. Is it beating those math facts over their heads one more time (and sometimes the answer is yes) or is it about stopping what we're doing to address the heart issues? To try once again to overcome the fear of abandonment, the debilitating shame and anxiety that encompass their hearts. Letting the child know in that moment that he/she has my complete and total attention. Praying over them one more time that they will take to heart the blessing they are to us.
Strive for excellence but accept limitations.
Whether your child is in a public, private or homeschool, the teacher can only pour into your child as much as the child can hold. Realizing that your child may not be capable of higher math or research papers is a part of the process. Just as there are classes for students with special needs in public school your child may have special needs that you are best equipped to address.
I want all my kids to be lifelong learners, to know how to research and experiment and find out where their gifts/interests lie. I want them to be decent, loving people who I still want to experience life with. If my kids accomplish my primary goal I believe they will be all these things.
Don't compare.
No one else is walking in your shoes so do not set yourself up for failure by comparing your homeschool to your neighbor down the street. They may participate in a classical education program, play every sport and at least one instrument while you're just hoping your child will get out of bed without screaming at you. No, I know from personal experience that homeschooling a wounded child is immeasurably different from homeschooling a biological child. It is possible and requires focusing only on your family.
Let go of some of the control battles.
Realize as your child is healing you will have a constant push/pull, especially with homeschooling. Your kids will probably sense how badly you want them to learn so they will make every day a struggle. It's just one more opportunity to show they're not going to do it your way.
How am I supposed to light a fire for learning in my children when I wonder if they'd rather light the house on fire with me in it? It's frustrating, exhausting, disheartening and stressful. I have to ask myself if it's really worth the struggle today over learning the parts of speech and algebraic equations (or in earlier years, writing their name legibly and pronouncing a three letter word correctly). The answer may be that it is because we have to push through. Diligence and perseverance are qualities we value highly. But those qualities apply just as much to diligence at winning my children's hearts and perseverance to love them in spite of their anger and disrespect and manipulative games. If you make every issue a control battle no one wins. Pick your battles wisely.
Teach your children about real life
Being at home allows you to teach your children in ways they learn best. Real life learning is essential for children, but even more so with our RAD kids. Give them the practical skills of taking care of themselves, earning and managing their money and practicing the decision making process. Grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning and laundry all count as life skills. Every day is an opportunity to teach my kids how to make wise choices and pick themselves up when they fail.
What does this look like for each child? Every child is different. Their learning style is different. Their emotional makeup is different. Their life experience is different. Their strengths and weaknesses are different. My relationship with each of them is different. My hopes/dreams/expectations for each of them is different. Part of homeschooling is learning about your child, modeling and teaching character, and knowing when to push and when to back off. Understanding when they've done their best or played dumb to push away. There is no perfect curriculum, no perfect teacher, no perfect homeschool. By allowing myself to grow and transform with my children I can be molded into a mother that can reach my child's heart while stimulating their natural mind and abilities they have been given.
Note: This article was sponsored by the Adopt America Network. If you'd like to read more about Marty's journey, you can find her blog at http://waldenbunch.blogspot.com/.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Nutritional interventions for children with FASD
My friend Kari Fletcher, who is very cool, agreed to write this article for the Adopt America Network as we support adoptive families. Adopt America doesn't mind if I share them with you... and I don't think Kari does either.
Note: If you are looking for a really good FASD speaker, Kari is awesome!)
“FASD is more than ‘just’ brain damage. We sometimes forget that prenatal alcohol exposure has damaged not only our children's brains, but their digestive tracts as well.” ~ Diane Black, Ph.D. , adoptive mother of children with FASD.
While much has been written about the damage prenatal exposure to alcohol can cause to a developing fetal brain, recent research has also focused on damage to digestive and immune systems and on promising nutritional interventions.
Children with neurological differences need optimal nutrition in order to function at their best. However, damage to the digestive and immune systems from toxins such as alcohol, repeated infections or antibiotics may cause “leaky gut syndrome” and a typical American diet may not be meeting their nutritional needs.
Sometimes a trial diet eliminating gluten (the protein in wheat, rye and barley) and casein (the protein in milk) is recommended to help heal the digestive and immune systems.
Gluten and casein are difficult proteins to digest and in addition to contributing to the damage to the intestinal walls, causing constipation, diarrhea and poor absorption of nutrients, these proteins are thought to have an effect on behaviors as well.
The theory is that some people do not completely digest gluten and casein and fragments called peptides are left behind. These fragments cross through the permeable intestinal wall (“leaky gut”) and enter the bloodstream, eventually crossing the blood brain barrier and having an opioid effect on the brain. Autism and schizophrenia are two disorders that have been linked to this opioid effect on the brain and therefore, behavior.
A gluten and casein free diet is certainly not a cure for FASD but it may be worth considering for digestive and immune system concerns, and it may even reduce some challenging behaviors! Some families have found that children with FASD who follow a gluten and casein free diet have improved health, better regulated moods, fewer sensory challenges, and improved focus.
An elimination diet can be challenging, especially for adoptive families of children who experienced food deprivation or have strong survival skills toward food (“hoarding” or “stealing” food). Adoptive families should focus on attachment first.
• Consult with a physician, nutritionist, or therapist before making any significant dietary adjustments.
• Put the entire family on the diet, not just the child. Food preparation is easier, and the whole family approach promotes a sense of team and togetherness.
• Strictly avoid gluten and casein for at least 3 to 6 months to see its benefits.
• Milk alternatives, like rice milk, often contain calcium and vitamin D, but supplements may be useful.
• Gluten and casein free does not mean healthy. Pre-made GFCF foods may contain added sugar and fats. Homemade options are less expensive, healthier, and more family friendly.
• Children with FASD may have other food sensitivities, so keep a food diary.
The gluten and casein free (GFCF) diet can be challenging, especially in the beginning, but some families have found the benefits to be well worth the challenge!
Note: If you are looking for a really good FASD speaker, Kari is awesome!)
“FASD is more than ‘just’ brain damage. We sometimes forget that prenatal alcohol exposure has damaged not only our children's brains, but their digestive tracts as well.” ~ Diane Black, Ph.D. , adoptive mother of children with FASD.
While much has been written about the damage prenatal exposure to alcohol can cause to a developing fetal brain, recent research has also focused on damage to digestive and immune systems and on promising nutritional interventions.
Children with neurological differences need optimal nutrition in order to function at their best. However, damage to the digestive and immune systems from toxins such as alcohol, repeated infections or antibiotics may cause “leaky gut syndrome” and a typical American diet may not be meeting their nutritional needs.
Sometimes a trial diet eliminating gluten (the protein in wheat, rye and barley) and casein (the protein in milk) is recommended to help heal the digestive and immune systems.
Gluten and casein are difficult proteins to digest and in addition to contributing to the damage to the intestinal walls, causing constipation, diarrhea and poor absorption of nutrients, these proteins are thought to have an effect on behaviors as well.
The theory is that some people do not completely digest gluten and casein and fragments called peptides are left behind. These fragments cross through the permeable intestinal wall (“leaky gut”) and enter the bloodstream, eventually crossing the blood brain barrier and having an opioid effect on the brain. Autism and schizophrenia are two disorders that have been linked to this opioid effect on the brain and therefore, behavior.
A gluten and casein free diet is certainly not a cure for FASD but it may be worth considering for digestive and immune system concerns, and it may even reduce some challenging behaviors! Some families have found that children with FASD who follow a gluten and casein free diet have improved health, better regulated moods, fewer sensory challenges, and improved focus.
An elimination diet can be challenging, especially for adoptive families of children who experienced food deprivation or have strong survival skills toward food (“hoarding” or “stealing” food). Adoptive families should focus on attachment first.
• Consult with a physician, nutritionist, or therapist before making any significant dietary adjustments.
• Put the entire family on the diet, not just the child. Food preparation is easier, and the whole family approach promotes a sense of team and togetherness.
• Strictly avoid gluten and casein for at least 3 to 6 months to see its benefits.
• Milk alternatives, like rice milk, often contain calcium and vitamin D, but supplements may be useful.
• Gluten and casein free does not mean healthy. Pre-made GFCF foods may contain added sugar and fats. Homemade options are less expensive, healthier, and more family friendly.
• Children with FASD may have other food sensitivities, so keep a food diary.
The gluten and casein free (GFCF) diet can be challenging, especially in the beginning, but some families have found the benefits to be well worth the challenge!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Have a Kid With Attachment Issues?
Third in a series of articles sponsored by the Adopt America Network.
Have a Kid with Attachment Issues?
Since the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder has become so popular for children who have spent some of their lives in foster care or institutions, there are hundreds of resources out there for living with children with these issues. It is important to remember that nearly all children coming from these backgrounds have attachment issues, regardless of weather or not they have an official diagnosis.
Parenting kids with attachment issues is hard work. The reason it is so difficult is that they do not inspire the kinds of responses that they need. Let me explain.
A child or teen with attachment issues has a goal to keep people as far away as possible because they are afraid of emotional intimacy. Their behavior is ugly, nasty, rude and mean. They push people away by disobeying, cursing, or being consistently oppositional. After a while, parents just want to STAY AWAY from their attachment disordered kids.
So when a therapist like Dan Hughes suggests that what parents need to do is to practice playfulness, love, acceptance, curiosity and empathy, our internal response as parents is “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!” After weeks or months or even years of being barraged with negative energy from kids, the idea of being playful and loving seems it will take more emotional energy than we can find within ourselves.
But it’s what they need. Unfortunately, we did not cause them to be this way but in order for us to help them heal, we need to practice very intentional parenting. Here are three tips that will help you be able to give your kids what you need.
1) Make sure you take care of yourself. You’ll need to be in the best emotional shape possible in order to continue to give when not receiving in return. Hang out with people who support you. Get enough sleep. Exercise and eat right. Consider yourself to be in training for a special mission – because this is harder than almost anything else you will ever have to do.
2) Pick your battles wisely. If you are consistently arguing about small things, there won’t be time to engage positively. Arguing with a child who has attachment issues simply gives them what they want. Distract them by changing the subject. Do unexpected things to make them laugh. Don’t let yourself get wrapped up in an argument that has no end in site. It’s not easy to be playful, loving, accepting, curious, or empathetic when they have gotten you to a place of anger and frustration. So be the adult. Don’t let them take you there.
3) Find things that you really like about your son/daughter and focus on them. Bring to mind positive memories you have shared. Focus on them as people, not their behaviors. Challenge yourself to make positive moments in each day that will create memories to look back on tomorrow.
If you have met me in person you know that I seldom get this right, but I do understand the importance of doing it. It’s not an issue of having the right personality or temperament. It’s about reframing the way you see things, and changing your response to your kids – because it is going to take a long time for them to change, if they ever do.
In conclusion, living with a kid with attachment issue requires living by the principles found in the revised serenity prayer, which I repeat to myself and quote often (even though I’ve never seen it attributed to anyone except “anonymous”):
Lord, give me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change;
The courage to change the person I can;
And the wisdom to know it’s me.
YOU CAN DO IT. Believe you can and start making small changes today.
Have a Kid with Attachment Issues?
Since the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder has become so popular for children who have spent some of their lives in foster care or institutions, there are hundreds of resources out there for living with children with these issues. It is important to remember that nearly all children coming from these backgrounds have attachment issues, regardless of weather or not they have an official diagnosis.
Parenting kids with attachment issues is hard work. The reason it is so difficult is that they do not inspire the kinds of responses that they need. Let me explain.
A child or teen with attachment issues has a goal to keep people as far away as possible because they are afraid of emotional intimacy. Their behavior is ugly, nasty, rude and mean. They push people away by disobeying, cursing, or being consistently oppositional. After a while, parents just want to STAY AWAY from their attachment disordered kids.
So when a therapist like Dan Hughes suggests that what parents need to do is to practice playfulness, love, acceptance, curiosity and empathy, our internal response as parents is “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!” After weeks or months or even years of being barraged with negative energy from kids, the idea of being playful and loving seems it will take more emotional energy than we can find within ourselves.
But it’s what they need. Unfortunately, we did not cause them to be this way but in order for us to help them heal, we need to practice very intentional parenting. Here are three tips that will help you be able to give your kids what you need.
1) Make sure you take care of yourself. You’ll need to be in the best emotional shape possible in order to continue to give when not receiving in return. Hang out with people who support you. Get enough sleep. Exercise and eat right. Consider yourself to be in training for a special mission – because this is harder than almost anything else you will ever have to do.
2) Pick your battles wisely. If you are consistently arguing about small things, there won’t be time to engage positively. Arguing with a child who has attachment issues simply gives them what they want. Distract them by changing the subject. Do unexpected things to make them laugh. Don’t let yourself get wrapped up in an argument that has no end in site. It’s not easy to be playful, loving, accepting, curious, or empathetic when they have gotten you to a place of anger and frustration. So be the adult. Don’t let them take you there.
3) Find things that you really like about your son/daughter and focus on them. Bring to mind positive memories you have shared. Focus on them as people, not their behaviors. Challenge yourself to make positive moments in each day that will create memories to look back on tomorrow.
If you have met me in person you know that I seldom get this right, but I do understand the importance of doing it. It’s not an issue of having the right personality or temperament. It’s about reframing the way you see things, and changing your response to your kids – because it is going to take a long time for them to change, if they ever do.
In conclusion, living with a kid with attachment issue requires living by the principles found in the revised serenity prayer, which I repeat to myself and quote often (even though I’ve never seen it attributed to anyone except “anonymous”):
Lord, give me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change;
The courage to change the person I can;
And the wisdom to know it’s me.
YOU CAN DO IT. Believe you can and start making small changes today.
Tired of Waiting?
Another article sponsored by the Adopt America Network. Please check out their website.
Tired of Waiting?
In the adoption process there are several waiting periods, but the two most difficult are:
the time between the completion of training, paperwork, and homestudy and the match of their child, and;
the time between when the match is made and the child or children actually move into the home.
Here are some suggestions for you as you participate in each of those two stages:
From Homestudy Completion to Match:
The temptation before being matched is to spend time thinking about the house and how to prepare it. But the issue before being matched with a specific sibling group or child is preparing yourself as a person and as a parent-to-be. Here are some suggestions:
1. Read, read, read, read, read. Books, magazines, articles, online blogs and websites, anything that you can get your hands on about children in the system. A special focus should be given to attachment disorder and fetal alcohol issues as you will most likely face them.
2. Volunteer to do respite care or be involved with children in some way. A crisis nursery, a headstart program in a low-income neighborhood, a Big-Brother or Big-Sister program, or spending time with teens at a Residential Treatment Center can provide invaluable training and also will make you more matchable.
3. Spend time attending support groups, conferences, and other events where you can meet parents of adopted children. Talk to them about their experiences and get to know their children.
From Match to Placement: When you find out you will be welcoming a child into your home, use the waiting time to prepare for that specific child or sibling group. Ask your questions carefully so you can use your waiting time wisely.
...Again, read, read, read but this time more specifically. Focus on the issues of the children who are coming to your home.
….Shop.
...Decorate a room.
...Plan a schedule.
...Enroll the kids in school.
...Purchase bedding.
...Get insurance information.
...Alert your doctor/dentist.
...Identify their therapist or psychiatrist.
...Calendar their currently scheduled appointments.
...Begin a scrapbook for them.
There are many things that you can do to make the time go fast. It is important to think through how your schedule will change when a new child enters your home. You are not adding a child to your existing life; you are welcoming a child who will change the way you and your family functions. Decide early on what are foundational values and practices of your family’s life together so that you can maintain a sense of stability in the midst of necessary changes.
Kids in care find security in structure, whether they are able to identify this or not (and with some diagnoses “structure” may initially create some challenges). The clearer the structure – and do not mistake clarity for rigidity – the better. Thinking through each day will help not only you, but also your children to get a sense of what to expect each day and each week during their stay with you. This kind of structure alleviates anxiety and provides a more secure sense of calm.
Don’t waste your waiting times. Take full advantage of the extra time because it won’t be long before you feel like you never have a free minute!
Tired of Waiting?
In the adoption process there are several waiting periods, but the two most difficult are:
the time between the completion of training, paperwork, and homestudy and the match of their child, and;
the time between when the match is made and the child or children actually move into the home.
Here are some suggestions for you as you participate in each of those two stages:
From Homestudy Completion to Match:
The temptation before being matched is to spend time thinking about the house and how to prepare it. But the issue before being matched with a specific sibling group or child is preparing yourself as a person and as a parent-to-be. Here are some suggestions:
1. Read, read, read, read, read. Books, magazines, articles, online blogs and websites, anything that you can get your hands on about children in the system. A special focus should be given to attachment disorder and fetal alcohol issues as you will most likely face them.
2. Volunteer to do respite care or be involved with children in some way. A crisis nursery, a headstart program in a low-income neighborhood, a Big-Brother or Big-Sister program, or spending time with teens at a Residential Treatment Center can provide invaluable training and also will make you more matchable.
3. Spend time attending support groups, conferences, and other events where you can meet parents of adopted children. Talk to them about their experiences and get to know their children.
From Match to Placement: When you find out you will be welcoming a child into your home, use the waiting time to prepare for that specific child or sibling group. Ask your questions carefully so you can use your waiting time wisely.
...Again, read, read, read but this time more specifically. Focus on the issues of the children who are coming to your home.
….Shop.
...Decorate a room.
...Plan a schedule.
...Enroll the kids in school.
...Purchase bedding.
...Get insurance information.
...Alert your doctor/dentist.
...Identify their therapist or psychiatrist.
...Calendar their currently scheduled appointments.
...Begin a scrapbook for them.
There are many things that you can do to make the time go fast. It is important to think through how your schedule will change when a new child enters your home. You are not adding a child to your existing life; you are welcoming a child who will change the way you and your family functions. Decide early on what are foundational values and practices of your family’s life together so that you can maintain a sense of stability in the midst of necessary changes.
Kids in care find security in structure, whether they are able to identify this or not (and with some diagnoses “structure” may initially create some challenges). The clearer the structure – and do not mistake clarity for rigidity – the better. Thinking through each day will help not only you, but also your children to get a sense of what to expect each day and each week during their stay with you. This kind of structure alleviates anxiety and provides a more secure sense of calm.
Don’t waste your waiting times. Take full advantage of the extra time because it won’t be long before you feel like you never have a free minute!
Online Support Groups
The following article is sponsored by the Adopt America Network, a non-profit that has been working for nearly 30 years to match waiting children with families.
Online Support: The Perfect Answer for Many Adoptive Parents
Support can come in lots of ways for people who have adopted children who have special needs. Talking to someone who “gets it” is one of the best things that we as adoptive parents can do to normalize our experience and feel like we are not alone. However, some types of support just aren’t possibilities for us during our most trying of days.
Here are some reasons why “real life” as opposed to virtual, online support aren’t possible for adoptive parents:
1) Traditional support groups require us to leave our homes. This requires child care. Many adoption support groups do not provide child care.
2) Traditional support groups that meet in person sometimes offer child care. However, sometimes our children simply cannot function in that setting -- even if it is geared to special needs children.
3) Sometimes we are simply to exhausted to make ourselves look presentable. Even if we want to get out and go to a group, it would require having time for a shower and ttime to find clothes that match and don’t have holes in them, perhaps makeup or perfume... you get the idea. Sometimes we’re just too tired at the end of the day to get there.
4) If we can’t meet in person, phone calls are the next best thing. However, it is quite embarrassing to be talking to someone with the noise of a kid raging in the background or while being called a variety of interesting and colorful names by an angry teenager. After we’ve said, “wait, hold on a second” five or six times it just gets too frustrating to try any longer.
5) Having visitors would be another natural way to connect with others, but I know you can think of 30 reasons why THAT isn’t going to happen. At least I can.
6) Meeting another adoptive parent for coffee or lunch is a great idea IF all the kids are in school and IF the school isn’t calling to interrupt the lunch or coffee time to say that we have to come to the school to intervene, give advice, or bring them home.
So, naturally, those of us who have interesting children at home often can’t find support by going to a “real life” support group. We can’t have people over, go out to meet someone, or talk on the phone. Fortunately, there is the internet and now even those of us in the midst of the battle in the trenches can participate in an online group.
So obviously, after reading the paragraphs above, you should already be able to articulate these reasons why online support has been my favorite type in my fifteen years as a foster and adoptive parent:
I don’t have to get dressed up. In fact I don’t have to get dressed at all. I don’t have to go anywhere. I can do it any time of day or night, it doesn’t matter if everyone is awake, or nobody is. Nobody can hear the noise and chaos in the background. I also find that the ability to write down what I am feeling (which often is required for online support) helps me understand myself more.
So if you are finding a need to “talk” to “someone who gets it” during the next weeks, why not check out online support options? List servs, message boards, blogs, and other avenues of online connections can be just what you are looking for.
Online Support: The Perfect Answer for Many Adoptive Parents
Support can come in lots of ways for people who have adopted children who have special needs. Talking to someone who “gets it” is one of the best things that we as adoptive parents can do to normalize our experience and feel like we are not alone. However, some types of support just aren’t possibilities for us during our most trying of days.
Here are some reasons why “real life” as opposed to virtual, online support aren’t possible for adoptive parents:
1) Traditional support groups require us to leave our homes. This requires child care. Many adoption support groups do not provide child care.
2) Traditional support groups that meet in person sometimes offer child care. However, sometimes our children simply cannot function in that setting -- even if it is geared to special needs children.
3) Sometimes we are simply to exhausted to make ourselves look presentable. Even if we want to get out and go to a group, it would require having time for a shower and ttime to find clothes that match and don’t have holes in them, perhaps makeup or perfume... you get the idea. Sometimes we’re just too tired at the end of the day to get there.
4) If we can’t meet in person, phone calls are the next best thing. However, it is quite embarrassing to be talking to someone with the noise of a kid raging in the background or while being called a variety of interesting and colorful names by an angry teenager. After we’ve said, “wait, hold on a second” five or six times it just gets too frustrating to try any longer.
5) Having visitors would be another natural way to connect with others, but I know you can think of 30 reasons why THAT isn’t going to happen. At least I can.
6) Meeting another adoptive parent for coffee or lunch is a great idea IF all the kids are in school and IF the school isn’t calling to interrupt the lunch or coffee time to say that we have to come to the school to intervene, give advice, or bring them home.
So, naturally, those of us who have interesting children at home often can’t find support by going to a “real life” support group. We can’t have people over, go out to meet someone, or talk on the phone. Fortunately, there is the internet and now even those of us in the midst of the battle in the trenches can participate in an online group.
So obviously, after reading the paragraphs above, you should already be able to articulate these reasons why online support has been my favorite type in my fifteen years as a foster and adoptive parent:
I don’t have to get dressed up. In fact I don’t have to get dressed at all. I don’t have to go anywhere. I can do it any time of day or night, it doesn’t matter if everyone is awake, or nobody is. Nobody can hear the noise and chaos in the background. I also find that the ability to write down what I am feeling (which often is required for online support) helps me understand myself more.
So if you are finding a need to “talk” to “someone who gets it” during the next weeks, why not check out online support options? List servs, message boards, blogs, and other avenues of online connections can be just what you are looking for.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Relationship not Behavior
In retrospect, I have one major regret in my earlier parenting. For the first two placements of older children, I focused on behavior -- attempting to modify it, change it, fix it -- instead of attachment. And the results have been less than satisfactory.
When these particular boys moved into my home my immediate reaction was, "Oh My Goodness!!!! i have so much work to do to prepare them for adulthood." I needed to get busy and fast because their behaviors were completely unacceptable.
Imagine if this was the approach of someone who had begun to get to know a person they thought they wanted to marry. What if on the first date, a woman said, "Welcome to my life. I can see right now that your table manners aren't appropriate, so let's begin working on that right now. Let me show you how to hold a fork." How long would the relationship last? It would die before it began.
Since my first placements I have learned that my first task should be to be the kind of person my child can fall in love with. I need to do and say things that will make them feel good about me. When they do make a mistake, or break a rule, I need to remind them lovingly that this is not how we do things, but that I am still committed to them and love them unconditionally.
This is one of the most important things I have learned as a parent who adopted older children: No child is going to attempt to please or obey an adult to whom they are not attached. When I was growing up, I didn't want to disappoint my mom and dad. I wanted to please them. This was because of our relationship which was healthy, attached, and foundational.
Demanding that children obey us while they are basically still strangers simply because someone has told them that they have a new parent is downright ridiculous. And yet I did it and many parents do. The focus is all on behavior and the child or teen moves in thinking "wow, did I end up with a witch for a mom."
A couple things about behaviors: First, some of them never go away. Mental illness or organic brain damage due to prenatal exposure to alcohol will not go away just because a child is placed in a loving home. And secondly, they'll be around later and you can deal with them then.
When I was a college administrator responsible for discipline I learned the concept, "Get them to respect you first, and later worry about them liking you." I took this principal into adoption and parenting and it ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WORK. Some of the kids never really came to love me as their mom and respect never came either.
Focus that first year on getting the kid to fall in love with you. If you do, you can worry about behavior. I'm not saying to ignore rule violations, but under-react. Keep the focus on the child, on attachment, on learning to understand your child and years down the road you'll be much farther ahead than those who started tackling behavior the day the kids moved it.
The voice of wistful experience, combined with regret, has spoken.
When these particular boys moved into my home my immediate reaction was, "Oh My Goodness!!!! i have so much work to do to prepare them for adulthood." I needed to get busy and fast because their behaviors were completely unacceptable.
Imagine if this was the approach of someone who had begun to get to know a person they thought they wanted to marry. What if on the first date, a woman said, "Welcome to my life. I can see right now that your table manners aren't appropriate, so let's begin working on that right now. Let me show you how to hold a fork." How long would the relationship last? It would die before it began.
Since my first placements I have learned that my first task should be to be the kind of person my child can fall in love with. I need to do and say things that will make them feel good about me. When they do make a mistake, or break a rule, I need to remind them lovingly that this is not how we do things, but that I am still committed to them and love them unconditionally.
This is one of the most important things I have learned as a parent who adopted older children: No child is going to attempt to please or obey an adult to whom they are not attached. When I was growing up, I didn't want to disappoint my mom and dad. I wanted to please them. This was because of our relationship which was healthy, attached, and foundational.
Demanding that children obey us while they are basically still strangers simply because someone has told them that they have a new parent is downright ridiculous. And yet I did it and many parents do. The focus is all on behavior and the child or teen moves in thinking "wow, did I end up with a witch for a mom."
A couple things about behaviors: First, some of them never go away. Mental illness or organic brain damage due to prenatal exposure to alcohol will not go away just because a child is placed in a loving home. And secondly, they'll be around later and you can deal with them then.
When I was a college administrator responsible for discipline I learned the concept, "Get them to respect you first, and later worry about them liking you." I took this principal into adoption and parenting and it ABSOLUTELY DID NOT WORK. Some of the kids never really came to love me as their mom and respect never came either.
Focus that first year on getting the kid to fall in love with you. If you do, you can worry about behavior. I'm not saying to ignore rule violations, but under-react. Keep the focus on the child, on attachment, on learning to understand your child and years down the road you'll be much farther ahead than those who started tackling behavior the day the kids moved it.
The voice of wistful experience, combined with regret, has spoken.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Taking away the Weapons before Sending Us to War
As with any analogy, there are things that don't apply... and of course states differbut I've been thinking lately about foster care being like boot camp.
In foster care we are given weapons. We have a caseworker who is supposed to be at our disposal for consultation and to provide resources. Respite care is often available for foster parents. Foster children automatically receive WIC, they automatically get free lunch, they often are except from charges for sports. There are often transporters who are hired to give foster children rides to other places or, if not, mileage in some cases is covered. And in a lot of cases, foster care rates are much higher than adoption subsidy. And often, sometimes most importantly, if a If a child needs residential treatment or a psychiatric hospitalization, it is available at no cost to the foster parent.
But then boot camp is over and it's time to finalize the adoption, After court, there is no caseworker to bounce ideas off of. Finding respite care is now our responsibility and sometimes, depending on the state, is no longer paid for. Family income is used to determine WIC and free lunch and all the sudden charges for activities are at the regular charge. Subsidy in some states can be as much as half as much as the foster care rate, so the family experiences a decrease in family income.
And, most tragically, in order to get residential treatment the family must often go through a court hearing and have a CHIPS petition filed in order to get services that they don't have to pay for.
So we are sent off to war without our weapons. In boot camp we're trained to use them, but right before we're sent off to war things are taken away one by one.
If we're lucky, the war is easy -- and we were over prepared in boot camp for battles that never come. But in most situations, as a child ages their behaviors increase instead of decrease. Mental health issues become more prevalent for teens and the result can be catastrophic.
And so, without all these weapons, we are facing serious battles and the only way to get our weapons back is to be accused ourselves of neglecting or abandoning our children as a CHIPS petition is filed. Kari shared her frustration about this morning on her blog..
I don't know for sure what the answers are, and I am more than capable of arguing the other side of this issue, but it seems to me that being able to head into the battle with at least some of the weapons we've been trained to use in boot camp might not be a bad plan.
In foster care we are given weapons. We have a caseworker who is supposed to be at our disposal for consultation and to provide resources. Respite care is often available for foster parents. Foster children automatically receive WIC, they automatically get free lunch, they often are except from charges for sports. There are often transporters who are hired to give foster children rides to other places or, if not, mileage in some cases is covered. And in a lot of cases, foster care rates are much higher than adoption subsidy. And often, sometimes most importantly, if a If a child needs residential treatment or a psychiatric hospitalization, it is available at no cost to the foster parent.
But then boot camp is over and it's time to finalize the adoption, After court, there is no caseworker to bounce ideas off of. Finding respite care is now our responsibility and sometimes, depending on the state, is no longer paid for. Family income is used to determine WIC and free lunch and all the sudden charges for activities are at the regular charge. Subsidy in some states can be as much as half as much as the foster care rate, so the family experiences a decrease in family income.
And, most tragically, in order to get residential treatment the family must often go through a court hearing and have a CHIPS petition filed in order to get services that they don't have to pay for.
So we are sent off to war without our weapons. In boot camp we're trained to use them, but right before we're sent off to war things are taken away one by one.
If we're lucky, the war is easy -- and we were over prepared in boot camp for battles that never come. But in most situations, as a child ages their behaviors increase instead of decrease. Mental health issues become more prevalent for teens and the result can be catastrophic.
And so, without all these weapons, we are facing serious battles and the only way to get our weapons back is to be accused ourselves of neglecting or abandoning our children as a CHIPS petition is filed. Kari shared her frustration about this morning on her blog..
I don't know for sure what the answers are, and I am more than capable of arguing the other side of this issue, but it seems to me that being able to head into the battle with at least some of the weapons we've been trained to use in boot camp might not be a bad plan.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
No Kid Plays with a Broken Jack-in-the-Box for long
Looking back ten years I remember the first summer I played the part of Jack. No, I wasn't the mascot for a fast food place, but I was that little guy that lived in a tiny box. And if someone turned the crank on the box long enough, I would pop out, contorting my face and making screeching sounds.
And so my new sons turned the crank on the box all....summer....long.
There was nothing more fun to them that watching me blow. They would find something that they knew would eventually get to me and keep going until finally I exploded. And with their attachment issues, it was the most fun they could imagine having.
In my journey as a parent I have learned to be less responsive to triggers. I have learned that engaging in arguments, investing myself emotionally in black holes of nonsense, and reacting quickly and intensely to their provocation never leads to anything good. And though I wish I could report that they never see me pop out of the box, it does still happen occasionally.
The fact of the matter is this: No kid plays with a broken Jack-in-the-Box for long, No kid will sit and turn a crank for hours if Jack never pops out. Eventually they move on to something else.
So the next time you can tell your child or teenager is beginning to turn the crank, picture yourself hiding inside the box, refusing to come out. Time them if you have to. It may be a silly game, but it just might work.
And eventually, at least for the moment, they'll give up and stop turning the crank.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
The First Year of Placement
It has been a while since I spent any time with a small infant. Way too long apparently. But we had friends over the other night and I was able to experience first hand a fussy 3 month old baby.
I recently returned from presenting a training for staff at You Gotta Believe in NYC and the topic was covering Erickson's developmental stages as it relates to adoption. My theory is that placement is an emotional birth and thus the first year is spent developing attachment and emotionally the child, regardless of their physical age, is a newborn.
Here is where the biggest mistake of all adoptive parents is made. Unlike with an infant, adoptive parents, because the child is older, expect to get something back. During that first year, parents should respond as patiently with a child, and expect as much from the child, as they would a newborn baby.
Here are some of my observations about my 45 minutes of attempting to comfort a crying baby (whose mother said, by the way, that it wasn't the fact that it was me ... she is like this even with her own parents).
I'm going to write these tongue in cheek but if you replace the word "baby" with newly placed child or teenager, I think you'll understand how ridiculous it is for parents to place expectations on kids.
1) The baby can't do anything. This baby was helpless. Couldn't do anything for herself. I mean, good grief, I had to do everything for her. Even when I asked her nicely, she couldn't do anything.
2) The baby screamed. A lot. She had all kinds of very vocal needs and they were expressed by screaming. I spoke to her in a calm voice and asked her many times to stop acting out, but she simply would not stop.
3) She could not communicate her needs. All of her needs were expressed in the same way. When she was hungry, or had gas, or needed a diaper change, or needed to burp, or wanted to lie down, or sit up, or be held a different way, the only way she could communicate was by screaming. You'd think she could have used some words to tell me what she wanted, but she didn't know any. In fact, there were times when I was wondering if she even knew what she wanted.
4) I had a long talk with her. I tried explaining how her behavior made me feel. I attempted to articulate the ways in which in which it would be helpful for her to communicate better. I told her that her screaming was making me feel a bit anxious. I told her that other babies didn't scream like she did. I was tempted to scream back but I stopped myself, realizing it might not work. I don't think she understood anything I tried to communicate. Her screaming was drowning me out and I'm not sure she really grasped the concepts I was attempting to communicate. In fact, when I suggested that she might have consequences if she didn't stop crying, it didn't even phase her.
5) Even when I was very calm, she still was agitated until she was comfortable. It took a very long time and I had to remain calm and peaceful the whole time. When she could sense my frustration, she raged more.
Let's go back and look at those again from the standpoint of a child being placed in a new home.
1) Emotionally kids at placement cannot do anything. They may revert to a very younger version of themselves. They freeze up and literally cannot do the simplest things. There may be huge regression in every developmental area.
2) Kids first placed are on emotional high alert almost all of the time. While they may not be constantly screaming, they are either constantly acting out or completely shut down. There are rare moments when they are in the middle somewhere, but typical behavior is very emotionally out of control. They are so confused and mixed up that meltdowns of varying degrees and types may occur all the time. Asking them to stop is like asking a newborn nicely not to cry. It simply does not work.
3) At the beginning of a placement a child has no way of articulating their feelings. Even if they are teenagers, they really do not know what is going on inside emotionally. They cannot express what they need, often because they may not be sure exactly what it is they need. They may need distance, or a hug. They might need boundaries or less structure. They may need to be with people or be alone. They aren't sure what they need or how to express it, so meltdowns ensue.
4) Long talks with kids explaining rational things during the first year of placement seldom reach through the emotional upheaval. Explaining how their behavior is effecting them or the rest of the family when there in an emotionally heightened state, really does not work. It's sort of like Charlie Brown's teacher moaning along in the background while they are caught up in an internal frenzy and can comprehend nothing. Threatening consequences when the child or teen is agitated is as laughable an option with these children as it is with a screaming newborn. And, even though we've all done it at some point or another, yelling back never helps.
5) Remaining calm, loving and peaceful will get the best results. It still may result in a screaming child, emotionally out of control, raging endlessly, but it won't be escalated by parental stress. While this is a difficult thing to do, not doing it serves no purpose. A parent's anxious or frustrated response is not helpful to a newborn or infant -- nor is it to a 14 year old who was just placed in an adoptive home and is cussing out their parents.
I realize that this post is fairly simplistic, but it really struck me as I was holding the baby who was screaming just how ridiculous I was during the first placement we had of older children. I was on high alert all the time, responding to 11 and 8 year olds as if they were 11 and 8. I expected them to be grateful, reciprocating, age appropriate children who should consider themselves fortunate to finally have permanent parents. I expected compliance, respect, and cooperation to a certain degree. And I was convinced that if I used enough behavior modification, talked enough, lectured enough, explained enough, that they would "get it" and grow up and move on. I couldn't have been more wrong.
So when that teenager moves in your house, or that preteen, or that school age child, or even that four year old, you may be looking at a larger person, but emotionally you've got yourself an infant. Align your expectations that way, and I'm sure you will have a better first year than the alternative.
Because the alternative stinks. Been there, done that.
I recently returned from presenting a training for staff at You Gotta Believe in NYC and the topic was covering Erickson's developmental stages as it relates to adoption. My theory is that placement is an emotional birth and thus the first year is spent developing attachment and emotionally the child, regardless of their physical age, is a newborn.
Here is where the biggest mistake of all adoptive parents is made. Unlike with an infant, adoptive parents, because the child is older, expect to get something back. During that first year, parents should respond as patiently with a child, and expect as much from the child, as they would a newborn baby.
Here are some of my observations about my 45 minutes of attempting to comfort a crying baby (whose mother said, by the way, that it wasn't the fact that it was me ... she is like this even with her own parents).
I'm going to write these tongue in cheek but if you replace the word "baby" with newly placed child or teenager, I think you'll understand how ridiculous it is for parents to place expectations on kids.
1) The baby can't do anything. This baby was helpless. Couldn't do anything for herself. I mean, good grief, I had to do everything for her. Even when I asked her nicely, she couldn't do anything.
2) The baby screamed. A lot. She had all kinds of very vocal needs and they were expressed by screaming. I spoke to her in a calm voice and asked her many times to stop acting out, but she simply would not stop.
3) She could not communicate her needs. All of her needs were expressed in the same way. When she was hungry, or had gas, or needed a diaper change, or needed to burp, or wanted to lie down, or sit up, or be held a different way, the only way she could communicate was by screaming. You'd think she could have used some words to tell me what she wanted, but she didn't know any. In fact, there were times when I was wondering if she even knew what she wanted.
4) I had a long talk with her. I tried explaining how her behavior made me feel. I attempted to articulate the ways in which in which it would be helpful for her to communicate better. I told her that her screaming was making me feel a bit anxious. I told her that other babies didn't scream like she did. I was tempted to scream back but I stopped myself, realizing it might not work. I don't think she understood anything I tried to communicate. Her screaming was drowning me out and I'm not sure she really grasped the concepts I was attempting to communicate. In fact, when I suggested that she might have consequences if she didn't stop crying, it didn't even phase her.
5) Even when I was very calm, she still was agitated until she was comfortable. It took a very long time and I had to remain calm and peaceful the whole time. When she could sense my frustration, she raged more.
Let's go back and look at those again from the standpoint of a child being placed in a new home.
1) Emotionally kids at placement cannot do anything. They may revert to a very younger version of themselves. They freeze up and literally cannot do the simplest things. There may be huge regression in every developmental area.
2) Kids first placed are on emotional high alert almost all of the time. While they may not be constantly screaming, they are either constantly acting out or completely shut down. There are rare moments when they are in the middle somewhere, but typical behavior is very emotionally out of control. They are so confused and mixed up that meltdowns of varying degrees and types may occur all the time. Asking them to stop is like asking a newborn nicely not to cry. It simply does not work.
3) At the beginning of a placement a child has no way of articulating their feelings. Even if they are teenagers, they really do not know what is going on inside emotionally. They cannot express what they need, often because they may not be sure exactly what it is they need. They may need distance, or a hug. They might need boundaries or less structure. They may need to be with people or be alone. They aren't sure what they need or how to express it, so meltdowns ensue.
4) Long talks with kids explaining rational things during the first year of placement seldom reach through the emotional upheaval. Explaining how their behavior is effecting them or the rest of the family when there in an emotionally heightened state, really does not work. It's sort of like Charlie Brown's teacher moaning along in the background while they are caught up in an internal frenzy and can comprehend nothing. Threatening consequences when the child or teen is agitated is as laughable an option with these children as it is with a screaming newborn. And, even though we've all done it at some point or another, yelling back never helps.
5) Remaining calm, loving and peaceful will get the best results. It still may result in a screaming child, emotionally out of control, raging endlessly, but it won't be escalated by parental stress. While this is a difficult thing to do, not doing it serves no purpose. A parent's anxious or frustrated response is not helpful to a newborn or infant -- nor is it to a 14 year old who was just placed in an adoptive home and is cussing out their parents.
I realize that this post is fairly simplistic, but it really struck me as I was holding the baby who was screaming just how ridiculous I was during the first placement we had of older children. I was on high alert all the time, responding to 11 and 8 year olds as if they were 11 and 8. I expected them to be grateful, reciprocating, age appropriate children who should consider themselves fortunate to finally have permanent parents. I expected compliance, respect, and cooperation to a certain degree. And I was convinced that if I used enough behavior modification, talked enough, lectured enough, explained enough, that they would "get it" and grow up and move on. I couldn't have been more wrong.
So when that teenager moves in your house, or that preteen, or that school age child, or even that four year old, you may be looking at a larger person, but emotionally you've got yourself an infant. Align your expectations that way, and I'm sure you will have a better first year than the alternative.
Because the alternative stinks. Been there, done that.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Can't or Won't
I think this question is the most difficult question in raising children with mental health diagnosis, developmental delays, FASD, attachment issues .... really any child, but especially those with significant issues.
When we expect something from a child and they don’t do it ... is it because they can’t do it? Or is it because they won’t do it?
If we approach a child as if they cannot do something when in all actuality they can but won’t, then we are enabling their behavior.
However, if we approach a child as if they can do something when in reality, it is something they cannot do, then we are frustrating them.
But how do we tell?
And then there are children who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder or Conduct Disorder. Isn’t their disability that they won’t because they can’t? I realize this is confusing, but their inability to cooperate is their disability. So it often looks like won’t. But it might be that they really cannot cooperate, cannot make themself do the right thing.
I wish that I had an answer. All I know is that it is trial and error. We have to really know our children and we have to continually challenges ourselves to ask this question. Sometimes we have to play little games. Can a child do a task if there is a reward? Maybe we have to offer one sometimes to see if they are able to complete the task and then work towards getting them to do it without a reward. It involves constant re-evaluating, constant rethinking, constant conversation with the child, the therapist, other family members.
I recommend focusing on one issue at a time and determining if it is can’t or won’t. And then remember to re-evaluate after a certain period of time. Any feedback or discussion on this issue is welcome.
When we expect something from a child and they don’t do it ... is it because they can’t do it? Or is it because they won’t do it?
If we approach a child as if they cannot do something when in all actuality they can but won’t, then we are enabling their behavior.
However, if we approach a child as if they can do something when in reality, it is something they cannot do, then we are frustrating them.
But how do we tell?
And then there are children who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder or Conduct Disorder. Isn’t their disability that they won’t because they can’t? I realize this is confusing, but their inability to cooperate is their disability. So it often looks like won’t. But it might be that they really cannot cooperate, cannot make themself do the right thing.
I wish that I had an answer. All I know is that it is trial and error. We have to really know our children and we have to continually challenges ourselves to ask this question. Sometimes we have to play little games. Can a child do a task if there is a reward? Maybe we have to offer one sometimes to see if they are able to complete the task and then work towards getting them to do it without a reward. It involves constant re-evaluating, constant rethinking, constant conversation with the child, the therapist, other family members.
I recommend focusing on one issue at a time and determining if it is can’t or won’t. And then remember to re-evaluate after a certain period of time. Any feedback or discussion on this issue is welcome.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Warehousing Kids
A decision has been in the works about one of our sons for the past few weeks which has brought up some interesting conversations in my life. It has also resulted in a lot of frustration for me and others.
Our son, who is now seventeen and a half has spent the last 3.5 years in group homes, detention centers, psychiatric hospitals and shelter homes. He has spent a few months in our home, unsuccessfully, and even fewer months in three different "very skilled" foster homes. Every time he was placed in a residential treatment he was promised that if he did well, he would go back to foster care or back home or into a family setting. I blogged about the whole cycle over a year ago.
Our county has a policy that, in principle, I agree with. It involves the not "warehousing kids." They believe that kids should be in the "least restrictive environment." And so, after a designated period of time and the kids are doing well, they "deserve to be given a chance."
I could not agree more with the principle. But at what point in time do we conclude that certain children cannot function without more supervision? At what point in time do we determine that there are some kids who not only need a more restrictive environment as children, but as adults as well? Maybe setting up a setting to transition kids with mental illness from a supervised setting as juveniles to a supervised setting as adults would be more preferable than letting them be free at 18 and be forced to seek a restrictive environment for themselves (jail)?
I don't have answers. I just have a lot of questions. But in theory I must admit that I agree that kids should be given a chance. I consistently attempt to seek families willing to commit to kids who are in residential treatment with a plan to attempt to let them move into their family setting.
But after a child has proven time and time again that a family setting is impossible for them, then is it really fair to the kid to set them up for a perceived failure time and time again?
I hope and pray that this time my son proves me wrong. I hope he is extremely successful. I pray that he can hold it together and do as well as everyone dreams he might. And I will be thrilled to report, in this situation, that I was wrong, and that he was ready for this transition.
But until then I will fear for him, for the safety of those with whom he comes in contact with, for his younger siblings who are affected by his behavior, and for his older sibling who might lead him down a wrong path.
And until then I will know that there are those who believe that my pessimism will determine a negative outcome. But history has shown that my optimism or pessimism has not changed behavior. It is what it is.
Our son, who is now seventeen and a half has spent the last 3.5 years in group homes, detention centers, psychiatric hospitals and shelter homes. He has spent a few months in our home, unsuccessfully, and even fewer months in three different "very skilled" foster homes. Every time he was placed in a residential treatment he was promised that if he did well, he would go back to foster care or back home or into a family setting. I blogged about the whole cycle over a year ago.
Our county has a policy that, in principle, I agree with. It involves the not "warehousing kids." They believe that kids should be in the "least restrictive environment." And so, after a designated period of time and the kids are doing well, they "deserve to be given a chance."
I could not agree more with the principle. But at what point in time do we conclude that certain children cannot function without more supervision? At what point in time do we determine that there are some kids who not only need a more restrictive environment as children, but as adults as well? Maybe setting up a setting to transition kids with mental illness from a supervised setting as juveniles to a supervised setting as adults would be more preferable than letting them be free at 18 and be forced to seek a restrictive environment for themselves (jail)?
I don't have answers. I just have a lot of questions. But in theory I must admit that I agree that kids should be given a chance. I consistently attempt to seek families willing to commit to kids who are in residential treatment with a plan to attempt to let them move into their family setting.
But after a child has proven time and time again that a family setting is impossible for them, then is it really fair to the kid to set them up for a perceived failure time and time again?
I hope and pray that this time my son proves me wrong. I hope he is extremely successful. I pray that he can hold it together and do as well as everyone dreams he might. And I will be thrilled to report, in this situation, that I was wrong, and that he was ready for this transition.
But until then I will fear for him, for the safety of those with whom he comes in contact with, for his younger siblings who are affected by his behavior, and for his older sibling who might lead him down a wrong path.
And until then I will know that there are those who believe that my pessimism will determine a negative outcome. But history has shown that my optimism or pessimism has not changed behavior. It is what it is.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Ungrateful
One of the biggest mistakes that I ever made as a pre-adoptive parent was to believe that my children were going to be grateful for what we were doing for them. Coming out of poverty, some living in cars, not always enough food -- I figured the things we were providing them were going to be enough that they would be grateful. It didn't happen.
Recently I started thinking about how ungrateful we all are. Some of us have reached a plateau where we feel content with our lives and don't complain, but most of us mutter some. We might have a good job that pays fairly well, but there are things we don't like about the job and we voice them to someone. We're smart enough not to voice them too often to the one who pays us, but we mutter. We complain about many things.
Kids have complaints too, but where do they go with their compliants? They come to us and we become frustrated. I just bought you three new shirts and you're complaining that one of them isn't quite the right color? I just made you a huge meal and you complain about the green beans -- maybe you'd like to cook sometime. I take time to give you a ride and all you can do is complain because I won't let you turn the radio to the rap station? There are a million examples.
I wonder if maybe God might have a similar reaction. I give you a rainbow, but you complain about the rain that came before. I provide usnshine and it's too hot, moisture via snow and it's too cold. I provide you with many blessings, and yet you complain.
I believe that many children appear ungrateful because they cannot, especially at their maturity level, view the big picture.
In addition, I believe that there are other groups of kids who truly are grateful, but then cannot tell their parents how they really feel because they are afraid of sounding ungrateful. Kids adopted transracially usually have many inner struggles that don't get shared with parents becuase they don't want to hurt our feelings.
So, are children adopted out of foster care ungrateful? Yes, they probably are. But maybe not much more so than we were when we were their age, but our parents didn't expect us to be.
Recently I started thinking about how ungrateful we all are. Some of us have reached a plateau where we feel content with our lives and don't complain, but most of us mutter some. We might have a good job that pays fairly well, but there are things we don't like about the job and we voice them to someone. We're smart enough not to voice them too often to the one who pays us, but we mutter. We complain about many things.
Kids have complaints too, but where do they go with their compliants? They come to us and we become frustrated. I just bought you three new shirts and you're complaining that one of them isn't quite the right color? I just made you a huge meal and you complain about the green beans -- maybe you'd like to cook sometime. I take time to give you a ride and all you can do is complain because I won't let you turn the radio to the rap station? There are a million examples.
I wonder if maybe God might have a similar reaction. I give you a rainbow, but you complain about the rain that came before. I provide usnshine and it's too hot, moisture via snow and it's too cold. I provide you with many blessings, and yet you complain.
I believe that many children appear ungrateful because they cannot, especially at their maturity level, view the big picture.
In addition, I believe that there are other groups of kids who truly are grateful, but then cannot tell their parents how they really feel because they are afraid of sounding ungrateful. Kids adopted transracially usually have many inner struggles that don't get shared with parents becuase they don't want to hurt our feelings.
So, are children adopted out of foster care ungrateful? Yes, they probably are. But maybe not much more so than we were when we were their age, but our parents didn't expect us to be.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Thieves
Many times kids who are adopted out of foster care, and sometimes kids adopted internationally take things. We call them thieves and we call it stealing, but again, we need to take into account the WHYS and possibly choose a different term. In the first section I will talk about kids with FASD or organic brain damage.
1) Kids with organic brain damage do not understand boundaries. What belongs to who doesn't enter their heads. So, picking up something and putting in their pocket is not a conscious thought.... We have a son with FASD who is 18. He just recently started having contact wth us again after spending some time in jail. He came by and was only visiting our home (we got him another place to stay) and I saw him with a hat on that looked a lot like one that our second to youngest got for his birthday. I asked him where he got it and he said, "I don't know. It's not mine." So I pointed out to him that if it wasn't his, maybe it shouldn't be on his head as he walked out the door.
2) Kids with organic brain damage are impulsive. They grab things and stick them in their pockets without thinking. One mom of a kid with FASD that i heard about was able to think outside the box -- she sewed all her sons pockets shut and immediately solved his "stealing" problem.
3) Kids with organic brain damage take things very literally. Our son, when he was 14, "got arrested for shoplifting at an amusement park." However, he will tell you to this day that he did not get arrested. it was a security guard who wrote him up, not a cop, and he wasn't stealing the item -- he was just taking it to show a friend.
And then there are children who do not have organic brain damage, but who are practicing learned behavior:
1) Their parents taught them to steal because they needed to steal to eat. Sneaking into a store to grab a loaf of bread or some milk for a hungry baby was perfectly acceptable and even necessary.
2) They have been neglected to the point that they have had to take food in order to eat. This also leads to hoarding and other food issues.
3) They may not have been taught to steal but there was no morality taught in their home. Knowing that stealing is "right or wrong" -- nobody has ever taught them.
And finally there is just the good old button pushing that kids from the system do to test new parents. Taking our stuff is a major button pusher.
So again, as in the concept of lying , we has to ask the question of intentionality. Does not the idea of someone being a thief mean that the person can control impulses, know that stealing is wrong, not have deveoped the habit as an impressionable child out of necessity, and realize that the item does not belong to them?
Stealing and being Thieves may not be the right words for what our children do.
1) Kids with organic brain damage do not understand boundaries. What belongs to who doesn't enter their heads. So, picking up something and putting in their pocket is not a conscious thought.... We have a son with FASD who is 18. He just recently started having contact wth us again after spending some time in jail. He came by and was only visiting our home (we got him another place to stay) and I saw him with a hat on that looked a lot like one that our second to youngest got for his birthday. I asked him where he got it and he said, "I don't know. It's not mine." So I pointed out to him that if it wasn't his, maybe it shouldn't be on his head as he walked out the door.
2) Kids with organic brain damage are impulsive. They grab things and stick them in their pockets without thinking. One mom of a kid with FASD that i heard about was able to think outside the box -- she sewed all her sons pockets shut and immediately solved his "stealing" problem.
3) Kids with organic brain damage take things very literally. Our son, when he was 14, "got arrested for shoplifting at an amusement park." However, he will tell you to this day that he did not get arrested. it was a security guard who wrote him up, not a cop, and he wasn't stealing the item -- he was just taking it to show a friend.
And then there are children who do not have organic brain damage, but who are practicing learned behavior:
1) Their parents taught them to steal because they needed to steal to eat. Sneaking into a store to grab a loaf of bread or some milk for a hungry baby was perfectly acceptable and even necessary.
2) They have been neglected to the point that they have had to take food in order to eat. This also leads to hoarding and other food issues.
3) They may not have been taught to steal but there was no morality taught in their home. Knowing that stealing is "right or wrong" -- nobody has ever taught them.
And finally there is just the good old button pushing that kids from the system do to test new parents. Taking our stuff is a major button pusher.
So again, as in the concept of lying , we has to ask the question of intentionality. Does not the idea of someone being a thief mean that the person can control impulses, know that stealing is wrong, not have deveoped the habit as an impressionable child out of necessity, and realize that the item does not belong to them?
Stealing and being Thieves may not be the right words for what our children do.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
We Must Do Better
A cross post from my other blog, but it really belongs in both places:
If you have a while, read this report about Aging out of Foster Care. It was most disturbing. The one statisti that is most troubling for me is that since the beginning of the collection of statistics in 1998, the percentage of children aging out of foster care without a family has gradually increased. In 1998 the percentage was 3.1. By 2005, the last year that statistics have been processed, the percentage was 4.9.
To tell you the truth, I was shocked. With the addition of the Adoption and Safe Families Act of 2007 I was hoping that statistics would have been reversed. But this is not the case. Instead, the percentage of kids aging out has grown.
We have to do better than this. We have to find families for children -- even the most disturbed ones --that will make that commitment to kids that they need, regardless of the behavior of the child. States need to provide assurance that families will not come to financial or social ruin if their children need residential treatment or congregate care. Because whether a teenager is living in a family setting or in a facility, they still need advocates.
We're doing our best, but statistics are showing that our best isn't good enough and we have to do better because statistics are so troubling. I quote from the article:
It's a national issue and one that so few know about, but it affects every facet of our society. What more can you do? What more can I do? We all need to ask ourself that question.
If you have a while, read this report about Aging out of Foster Care. It was most disturbing. The one statisti that is most troubling for me is that since the beginning of the collection of statistics in 1998, the percentage of children aging out of foster care without a family has gradually increased. In 1998 the percentage was 3.1. By 2005, the last year that statistics have been processed, the percentage was 4.9.
To tell you the truth, I was shocked. With the addition of the Adoption and Safe Families Act of 2007 I was hoping that statistics would have been reversed. But this is not the case. Instead, the percentage of kids aging out has grown.
We have to do better than this. We have to find families for children -- even the most disturbed ones --that will make that commitment to kids that they need, regardless of the behavior of the child. States need to provide assurance that families will not come to financial or social ruin if their children need residential treatment or congregate care. Because whether a teenager is living in a family setting or in a facility, they still need advocates.
We're doing our best, but statistics are showing that our best isn't good enough and we have to do better because statistics are so troubling. I quote from the article:
Many studies have documented that the outlook for foster youth who age out is often grim:.
• One in four will be incarcerated within the first two years after they leave the system.
• Over one-fifth will become homeless at some time after age 18.
• Approximately 58 percent had a high school degree at age 19, compared to 87 percent of a national comparison group of non-foster youth.
• Of youth who aged out of foster care and are over the age of 25, less than 3 percent earned their college degrees5, compared with 28 percent of the general population.
It's a national issue and one that so few know about, but it affects every facet of our society. What more can you do? What more can I do? We all need to ask ourself that question.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Hungry
Many times kids in the system struggle with food issues. They can range from anorexia to obesity. Some do not know when to stop eating and some cannot make themselves eat. And it all stems from years of not having enough or not knowing if you'll have enough.
Many scenarios could have taken place in the past to cause these issues. Many times, children have gone hungry, or there has just been a lot of uncertainty as to where the next meal might come from. Food stamps might have been traded for drugs, the house might not have any food it in, and the child is hungry. And so they either go hungry, or they have to find their next meal. Maybe a neighbor would feed them or they could find food in the trash bin at the fast food place down the street.
If it is a sibling group, the oldest child feels responsible to get food for the younger children. If the baby still needs milk in a bottle and is crying for it, it might be up to the 5 year old to find some milk. Either way, having enough food becomes a central issue. The survival instinct takes over and it becomes not only an important thing, but the ONLY important thing.
Fast forward ahead five years to when the child is placed in a safe, loving adoptive home where there is always enough food to eat and nobody ever grows hungry. There is breakfast served as soon as you get up, a morning snack if you aren't in school yet, lunch, an after school snack, supper, and evening a bedtime snack. The kids can look in the fridge and see that it has food. They can look in the freezer and see it stocked. They can see that the cubhoards have enough food to feed the entire family for weeks.
But even a year or two after they are placed you still find moldy cheese under their beds, cracker crumbs under the pillow, and chips shoved in backpacks. You still find a kid that doesn't know what it means to feel full and overeat until they are ill. You still have a kid who might overeat and then go make herself throw up.
Trying to behavior modify children from their food issues is practically impossible. You can consequence, take away, threaten, etc., but the issues are not going to go away. You cannot take away that basic instinct survival feeling from a child, no matter how hard you try.
Acceptance and supervision and gentle attachment will help it to slowly disappear. Maybe not completely, but the symptoms will lesson. Have patience, remember the whys, and help them heal, regardless of how long it takes.
Many scenarios could have taken place in the past to cause these issues. Many times, children have gone hungry, or there has just been a lot of uncertainty as to where the next meal might come from. Food stamps might have been traded for drugs, the house might not have any food it in, and the child is hungry. And so they either go hungry, or they have to find their next meal. Maybe a neighbor would feed them or they could find food in the trash bin at the fast food place down the street.
If it is a sibling group, the oldest child feels responsible to get food for the younger children. If the baby still needs milk in a bottle and is crying for it, it might be up to the 5 year old to find some milk. Either way, having enough food becomes a central issue. The survival instinct takes over and it becomes not only an important thing, but the ONLY important thing.
Fast forward ahead five years to when the child is placed in a safe, loving adoptive home where there is always enough food to eat and nobody ever grows hungry. There is breakfast served as soon as you get up, a morning snack if you aren't in school yet, lunch, an after school snack, supper, and evening a bedtime snack. The kids can look in the fridge and see that it has food. They can look in the freezer and see it stocked. They can see that the cubhoards have enough food to feed the entire family for weeks.
But even a year or two after they are placed you still find moldy cheese under their beds, cracker crumbs under the pillow, and chips shoved in backpacks. You still find a kid that doesn't know what it means to feel full and overeat until they are ill. You still have a kid who might overeat and then go make herself throw up.
Trying to behavior modify children from their food issues is practically impossible. You can consequence, take away, threaten, etc., but the issues are not going to go away. You cannot take away that basic instinct survival feeling from a child, no matter how hard you try.
Acceptance and supervision and gentle attachment will help it to slowly disappear. Maybe not completely, but the symptoms will lesson. Have patience, remember the whys, and help them heal, regardless of how long it takes.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The Case File is Not A Fortune Teller
I am reposting this from my personal blog because I think that it has some value here.
This morning Cindy posted a very helpful post about the severely disturbed older adopted children. It reminded me of some new words that I've started to say lately to parents who are thinking of adopting children.
When they state their fears, I ask them to go down the road of that fear and ask themselves if they will survive. Everyone's fears are different -- fear of a child ending up in jail, or of a child dying, or of a child growing up to return to their birth parents. Or maybe the fear is that they will raise a child who will become pregnant as an unwed teen or "come out of the closet" as an adult. Whatever our worst fears are, we have to face them.
I guess my worst fear would be that one of our children would kill Bart or I. Certainly carrying myself down that mental road is not something that I like to do often, but sometimes I let myself and I realize that even so, it would eventually be OK. The person killed (the lucky one) would be in heaven, enjoying a stress free eternity with God. The person left would eventually be OK. I have a big faith in a bigger God and I know that God's love and strength would sustain me, that forgiveness would not be easy, but would come, and that in the end, after it was all over, we would be OK.
One of Kyle's turning points was the first time he threatened to kill Bart. In a sinister voice, very sinister for an 11 year old, he angrily said to Bart, "Some day I might have to kill you." To which Bart responded, "and if you do so son, I will die loving you." I don't think he ever seriously threatened to do it again.
Part of the reason we have arrived at this point may come from the fact that some of our biggest fears have already come to pass. We have already had a child in prison, two different children in the psych hospital, and a "Child in Need of Protection or Services" Petition filed against us. Our children have accused us of abuse, we have had our lives threatened. Many of our fears have come to pass and ... we're OK.
Pre-adoptive parents often want a crystal ball. They want the child's file, or the caseworkers, or the therapist, or a teacher to tell their fortune and promise them that everything is going to be OK. That none of their worse fears will come to pass.
But the truth about life is that we do not know the future and we can't know it. Every day, every step is a risk. I learned from the rebellious choices of my brothers that even when parents do everything right from conception to age 18, each person's freedom of choice determines their future.
So now when I go through paperwork with a family who is considering a child, I tell them to expect the worse. I suggest to them that there is no way to predict the outcome of any human life, but that they should expect life to be hard. I tell them about the behaviors they can expect.
I am completely convinced that any person can parent any child -- they just have to be willing and decide how much of their quality of life they are willing to give to the cause.
I quote Pat O'Brien
This is the key. Claiming the child and knowing that you will never give up on them. They might not always be able to live with you, but regardless of what happens, they will never cease being your child. And if you can make this commitment, which you can, you can keep it.
This morning Cindy posted a very helpful post about the severely disturbed older adopted children. It reminded me of some new words that I've started to say lately to parents who are thinking of adopting children.
When they state their fears, I ask them to go down the road of that fear and ask themselves if they will survive. Everyone's fears are different -- fear of a child ending up in jail, or of a child dying, or of a child growing up to return to their birth parents. Or maybe the fear is that they will raise a child who will become pregnant as an unwed teen or "come out of the closet" as an adult. Whatever our worst fears are, we have to face them.
I guess my worst fear would be that one of our children would kill Bart or I. Certainly carrying myself down that mental road is not something that I like to do often, but sometimes I let myself and I realize that even so, it would eventually be OK. The person killed (the lucky one) would be in heaven, enjoying a stress free eternity with God. The person left would eventually be OK. I have a big faith in a bigger God and I know that God's love and strength would sustain me, that forgiveness would not be easy, but would come, and that in the end, after it was all over, we would be OK.
One of Kyle's turning points was the first time he threatened to kill Bart. In a sinister voice, very sinister for an 11 year old, he angrily said to Bart, "Some day I might have to kill you." To which Bart responded, "and if you do so son, I will die loving you." I don't think he ever seriously threatened to do it again.
Part of the reason we have arrived at this point may come from the fact that some of our biggest fears have already come to pass. We have already had a child in prison, two different children in the psych hospital, and a "Child in Need of Protection or Services" Petition filed against us. Our children have accused us of abuse, we have had our lives threatened. Many of our fears have come to pass and ... we're OK.
Pre-adoptive parents often want a crystal ball. They want the child's file, or the caseworkers, or the therapist, or a teacher to tell their fortune and promise them that everything is going to be OK. That none of their worse fears will come to pass.
But the truth about life is that we do not know the future and we can't know it. Every day, every step is a risk. I learned from the rebellious choices of my brothers that even when parents do everything right from conception to age 18, each person's freedom of choice determines their future.
So now when I go through paperwork with a family who is considering a child, I tell them to expect the worse. I suggest to them that there is no way to predict the outcome of any human life, but that they should expect life to be hard. I tell them about the behaviors they can expect.
I am completely convinced that any person can parent any child -- they just have to be willing and decide how much of their quality of life they are willing to give to the cause.
I quote Pat O'Brien
I often get asked the question “what kind of people will offer their home permanently to a teenager?” My answer is always the same. I always say “any and all kinds of people who, after a good preparation experience, are willing to unconditionally commit themselves to a child no matter what behavior that child might ultimately exhibit.” Teenagers need first and foremost at least one adult who will unconditionally commit to and claim the teen as their own. Any thing less is an artificial relationship. Teenagers need unconditional commitment before anything else constructive can happen.
This is the key. Claiming the child and knowing that you will never give up on them. They might not always be able to live with you, but regardless of what happens, they will never cease being your child. And if you can make this commitment, which you can, you can keep it.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Liars
One of the things I noticed soon after becoming an adoptive parent to older kids is that it appears that they can't tell the truth no matter what.
Having parented them for ten years now, I ahve noticed that sometimes lying isn't lying as we know it. We use the word "liar" to describe someone who intentionally deceives. Sometimes I think we need to use different words.
For children who have developmental disabilities or have organic brain damage due to pre-natal exposure to drugs or alcohol, they really cannot remember. It seems almost impossible for those of us with "regular" brains to beleive, but they really do not remember things. Even things that happened just a few minutes before don't pop into mind when they are asked.
The challenges, as these kids get older, is that they realize that they are SUPPOSED to remember. The response, "I don't know" when the question, "Where were you this morning" is asked they realize is not acceptable. They might remember a little bit, but they don't remember it all. And so they fill in the details. And sometimes what they come up with is so rediculous that we can't believe it.
So, when we here a story our fully functioning brains send messages to our appropriately functioning emotions like, "How stupid do you think I am to believe a story like that?", or "If you're going to lie, at least make it believable" or, "I am going to so ground you and teach you to become an honest person?". And we become angry and it doesn't take long for us to really work ourselves into a fury.
Another piece of "lying" is self-protection. If as a small child I learn that if I admit to wrong doing, I will be beat nearly unconscious, my initial instinct is to deny any involvement. It's a learned behavior and very hard to unlearn because it is at the very center of the individuals desire to keep themselves physically safe.
Rethinking "lying" as parents, will keep us more sane, more compassionate, and more stable. Because the idea behind lying is the concept of deception, which may not be the issue at all.
Having parented them for ten years now, I ahve noticed that sometimes lying isn't lying as we know it. We use the word "liar" to describe someone who intentionally deceives. Sometimes I think we need to use different words.
For children who have developmental disabilities or have organic brain damage due to pre-natal exposure to drugs or alcohol, they really cannot remember. It seems almost impossible for those of us with "regular" brains to beleive, but they really do not remember things. Even things that happened just a few minutes before don't pop into mind when they are asked.
The challenges, as these kids get older, is that they realize that they are SUPPOSED to remember. The response, "I don't know" when the question, "Where were you this morning" is asked they realize is not acceptable. They might remember a little bit, but they don't remember it all. And so they fill in the details. And sometimes what they come up with is so rediculous that we can't believe it.
So, when we here a story our fully functioning brains send messages to our appropriately functioning emotions like, "How stupid do you think I am to believe a story like that?", or "If you're going to lie, at least make it believable" or, "I am going to so ground you and teach you to become an honest person?". And we become angry and it doesn't take long for us to really work ourselves into a fury.
Another piece of "lying" is self-protection. If as a small child I learn that if I admit to wrong doing, I will be beat nearly unconscious, my initial instinct is to deny any involvement. It's a learned behavior and very hard to unlearn because it is at the very center of the individuals desire to keep themselves physically safe.
Rethinking "lying" as parents, will keep us more sane, more compassionate, and more stable. Because the idea behind lying is the concept of deception, which may not be the issue at all.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Selfish
I am 6. I have two little sisters. I get left home with them a lot. Sometimes we get very hungry and thirsty and when we look for food there isn't any. My mom gets drunk a lot. Sometimes I have to look in her purse and see if there is any money so that I can go to the store and by some milke for my sisters because they cry a lot. My mom brings her boyfriends to our house and we have to go hide under our bed so they don't see us. Our clothes are dirty sometimes and my baby sister doesn't have diapers. I try to do my best to take care of them.
Fast forward five years and I am eleven. I have been adopted by really good parents. But I still can't stop thinking about how important it is that I make sure that I take care of myself. I sometimes wonder if there will be enough food, so I always take the biggest piece of meat on the plate. When they take me shopping for clothes, I have a hard time making a decision because I am worried that it has to be just right . . . because I might not get anything else. I try to believe my parents are going to take care of me, but sometimes I just know that I have to make sure that I take care of me.
Many kids from the system are hypervigilant and always looking out for themselves. What can easiliy be interpreted as selfishness is really self-preservation. It is very hard, when basic trust has not been secured, to be certain that adults can be depended on. Therefore a child has to "look out for number one."
There are other reasons why children who come from dysfunctional families appear selfish. One is the sense of entitlement that many individuals on welfare have that makes them not understand any act that is not beneficial to them. Another is that they have not had role models of others who possess skills like empathy and compassion.
It is a hard road to teach someone who has known nothing but selfishness how to be selfless. It is done by example. It is done by consistency. It is done with a lot of hard work. But the starting point I believe, is recognizing that this is a learned behavior, not necessarily chosen and that it must be addressed with compassion.
Fast forward five years and I am eleven. I have been adopted by really good parents. But I still can't stop thinking about how important it is that I make sure that I take care of myself. I sometimes wonder if there will be enough food, so I always take the biggest piece of meat on the plate. When they take me shopping for clothes, I have a hard time making a decision because I am worried that it has to be just right . . . because I might not get anything else. I try to believe my parents are going to take care of me, but sometimes I just know that I have to make sure that I take care of me.
Many kids from the system are hypervigilant and always looking out for themselves. What can easiliy be interpreted as selfishness is really self-preservation. It is very hard, when basic trust has not been secured, to be certain that adults can be depended on. Therefore a child has to "look out for number one."
There are other reasons why children who come from dysfunctional families appear selfish. One is the sense of entitlement that many individuals on welfare have that makes them not understand any act that is not beneficial to them. Another is that they have not had role models of others who possess skills like empathy and compassion.
It is a hard road to teach someone who has known nothing but selfishness how to be selfless. It is done by example. It is done by consistency. It is done with a lot of hard work. But the starting point I believe, is recognizing that this is a learned behavior, not necessarily chosen and that it must be addressed with compassion.
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