Tired of Waiting?

Another article sponsored by the Adopt America Network. Please check out their website.

Tired of Waiting?

In the adoption process there are several waiting periods, but the two most difficult are:

the time between the completion of training, paperwork, and homestudy and the match of their child, and;

the time between when the match is made and the child or children actually move into the home.

Here are some suggestions for you as you participate in each of those two stages:

From Homestudy Completion to Match:

The temptation before being matched is to spend time thinking about the house and how to prepare it. But the issue before being matched with a specific sibling group or child is preparing yourself as a person and as a parent-to-be. Here are some suggestions:

1. Read, read, read, read, read. Books, magazines, articles, online blogs and websites, anything that you can get your hands on about children in the system. A special focus should be given to attachment disorder and fetal alcohol issues as you will most likely face them.

2. Volunteer to do respite care or be involved with children in some way. A crisis nursery, a headstart program in a low-income neighborhood, a Big-Brother or Big-Sister program, or spending time with teens at a Residential Treatment Center can provide invaluable training and also will make you more matchable.

3. Spend time attending support groups, conferences, and other events where you can meet parents of adopted children. Talk to them about their experiences and get to know their children.


From Match to Placement: When you find out you will be welcoming a child into your home, use the waiting time to prepare for that specific child or sibling group. Ask your questions carefully so you can use your waiting time wisely.

...Again, read, read, read but this time more specifically. Focus on the issues of the children who are coming to your home.
….Shop.
...Decorate a room.
...Plan a schedule.
...Enroll the kids in school.
...Purchase bedding.
...Get insurance information.
...Alert your doctor/dentist.
...Identify their therapist or psychiatrist.
...Calendar their currently scheduled appointments.
...Begin a scrapbook for them.


There are many things that you can do to make the time go fast. It is important to think through how your schedule will change when a new child enters your home. You are not adding a child to your existing life; you are welcoming a child who will change the way you and your family functions. Decide early on what are foundational values and practices of your family’s life together so that you can maintain a sense of stability in the midst of necessary changes.

Kids in care find security in structure, whether they are able to identify this or not (and with some diagnoses “structure” may initially create some challenges). The clearer the structure – and do not mistake clarity for rigidity – the better. Thinking through each day will help not only you, but also your children to get a sense of what to expect each day and each week during their stay with you. This kind of structure alleviates anxiety and provides a more secure sense of calm.

Don’t waste your waiting times. Take full advantage of the extra time because it won’t be long before you feel like you never have a free minute!

Step 6: Preplacement Visits

Before even discussing pre-placement visits, it is my personal opinion that these visits are not a test-run. If you are not committted to the kids, don't agree to a pre-placement visit. It is very harmful for children to meet you and then have you change your mind. So, the visits are NOT, and I repeat NOT, to help you decide. They are the beginning to a lifetime relationship.

Here are some of my ideas about how a person should act and what one should do during pre-placement visits.

1) Keep things low key and as close to family living as you can so that expectations are not created. If your family goes to Chuck E. Cheese's once a month, but only gives out a dollar of tokens, for example, don’t give the new kid a $5.00 bill the first time you meet him ... or from now on it’s going to be an expectation. Doing lots of things that cost money will make them think that is always the way it is. If your family never orders dessert, don’t do it during the first visit.

2) Do not give them a lot of gifts. Again, you’re setting up an expectation and they are going to think this is only the tip of the iceberg. Many kids in foster care have attachment issues and they are not looking at a new family as “someone to love me” but as “someone to buy me stuff.” So, the more stuff you buy upfront, the more they will look forward to stuff, stuff and more stuff.

3) If you do give gifts, give gifts that focus on the relationship. A photo album or something with the family name on it are good options or a CD of family pictures, or of favorite family songs. Things that will make connections.

4) Plan activities that will involve interraction -- watching a movie is NOT a good example. Something active or something that involves communication -- board games, card games, etc. allowing for plenty of conversation are appropriate.

5) Realize that this is the ultimate in a honeymoon. It’s OK to fall in love, but don’t think that this visit is what it is always going to be like.

First visits are fun. Enjoy them. But be careful not to set an unrealistic tone.

Step Five: Making a Final Decision after you are Matched

After you are matched, you still have to read through the case file and decide if you are willing to proceed with adopting the children. This step is much more difficult than you might seem have you never read a case file. Here are some tips based on my experience.

1) Start with the most recent information first. You are adopting a child for who he/she is today, not for who they used to be. Many families start at the beginning and by the time they read through the first year of a child's life in foster care they are sure they can't parent the child. Get a good understanding of how the child is functioniing right now before reading through the history.

2) Understand the the Difficulty of Care Cunnundrum. If you understand this you may understand a little more about why the case file reads as it does.

3) Realize that information given to a psychiatrist for an evaluation is given by someone, and that someone may have an ulterior motive. If a foster parent is having a psych eval done in order to prove that they cannot take care of the child in their home, then they will present certain information. If a parent who is disrupting an adoption is trying to justify their decision, they may paint a more negative picture of the child.

4) Realize that every situation is unique and that the way a child is doing in one situation is not a predictor of how they will do in another. Every situation and every child is different and the mix is unpredictable.

5) Remind yourself that there are no guarantees. Every adoption (just like the birth of every child) is a risk. You never will know how things are going to turn out until they do.

Step Four: Making Yourself Stand Out, Part Four: A Scrapbook

You may also want to prepare a scrapbook for situations in which your family have made the finals and you are going to staffing for a child. This scrapbook can also be used later as a gift for the children you are matched with.

I'm not going to tell you how to make your own family scrapbook. This is something that you need to determine based on your own family. But use it to tell the story of who you are. I have seen many and they are all unique, but they do a good job of explaining who you are. Try to use the best pictures you can that make sense. I could show you lots of bad examples, but won't do so for the sake of the dignity of those in the pictures.

The scrapbook can be a great tool in giving you the edge over other families in the staffing.

Step Four: Making Yourself Stand Out, Part Three: Collateral Information

Ask yourself what one other possible piece of information might be helpful to your specific situation.

Haven't parented before? Have someone write a letter who has seen you with children -- a neighbor, a friend you've babysat for, a pastor in whose church you have taught Sunday school.

Have a lot of kids? Include something like 15 Reasons why Large Adoptive Families Make Great Resources for Waiting Children.

Looking to adopt a medically fragile child? Include a letter from a clinic or hospital where you have volunteered.

The idea with this collatoral information is that it shows people that you have thought things through. It can be as unique as you are.

Step Four: Making Yourself Stand Out, Part Two: A Cover Letter

Often, writing a cover letter to go with a study that is going to a PARTICULAR worker for a CERTAIN child or sibling group is a good plan.

This letter should be addressed to the social worker of the children. You may not know their name, but it could be simply: Dear Caseworker of Joe and Mary.

In this letter, based on the description of the children, you can write why you the children would fit into your home. Show how some of their interests match yours. Conclude with a statement of commitment once again.

When you ask your worker to send your study, let her know that you have a letter made up to go with your profile and your home study. Sending this can often make a direct tie to the children.

Step Four: Making Yourself Stand Out, Part One: A Profile Page

(click to see larger image)

So, you're going to have your homestudy submitted to caseworkers for a particular child or sibling group. You want to stand out and be different from everyone else.

Ask your social worker if they would be willing to include a Profile of you when they send out each study, and then prepare a good one.

A good profile starts with one GREAT picture. Many people are tempted to include several pictures of their family doing all sorts of stuff, but I think that one really good picture of the family is sufficient. If you don't have a photo that is professional, see if you can get one done. Otherwise, have a friend who is a good photographer take one. It would be best if everyone is dressed nicely and color coordinated. If you want to use more than one picture, make sure the central one is eye catching.

Then the profile should be no more than a couple paragraphs that are well written and in first person. Have a few people proofread it for you to make sure there are no grammatical or spelling errors. In those two paragraphs, include some basic information: What do you and your spouse do for a living? What is your house and neighborhood like? What hobbies do you enjoy? And what makes you unique? Try to make your house and home kid friendly.

Finally, I would add a few sentences about commitment and your understanding about children in the system. For example, "Having spent time talking with other parents who are adopted, we understand that raising children with special needs can be a difficult undertaking. We realize that simply providing them a loving home and a permanent family may not be enough to change their behaviors, immediately heal their hearts, or fix their mental health issues. However, we are committed to raising children for the long haul and are pledging ourselves to stick by them regardless of what may come."

A great layout and fancy design is eye catching, but not necessary. If you do not know how to do layout on the computer, have a friend help. Being able to have it saved in PDF format is very helpful since a lot of social workers are now emailing profiles.

If your agency does not provide a service of making profiles, make color copies and take them to your agency. Ask your social worker to include a profile each time they send out your study.

Step Three: Checking Out the Photolistings

I confess that I am a photolisting junkie and I admit that my husband and I decided to pursue older child adoption after our first evening of looking at pictures of darling children on internet photolistings. We fell in love with a couple of boys and when we inquired we found out we needed a homestudy. That was the beginning of our search.

The first principle to remember when dealing with photolistings is that they are more than just a matching tool. In fact, they probably fulfill a recruiting function to a greater extent than they do a matching function.

Secondly, regardless of how hard any one person tries, there are many children on photolistings who are no longer available. Often times the person who updates the website is two or three people away from the social worker with the child and so many things can happen to any of those people: medical leave, maternity leave, resignation, transfer, or just overwhelmed. The message that a family has been located may not go through the line of people and get to the person updating the website in a timely matter.

Third, the labels listed (mild, moderate, severe) are the opinion of one person. I have read thorough case files on children who I would rate as mild who are listed as severe and the other way around. There is no guarantee that those levels are a guarantee.

Children with no issues do not exist. There is not a child who has a history of abuse, neglect, and multiple moves that does not have any issues. The children who have "none" listed in every category may be stable right now, but they have issues.

And finally, a child who is mild now, won't be mild forever. An extremely small number of children adopted from the foster care make it through their entire lives without a few days, weeks, or months of "moderate" or "severe" behaviors.

So, photolistings are a great place to see the kinds of kids that are out there. If there are children that you are specifically drawn to, send your study. But don't be surprised if the child is no longer available or the level of care is inaccurate.

Matching Principle: It's About the Kids

I've heard it said 100 times by social workers. "We are not trying to find children for families. We are trying to find families for children."

In the process, putting the children first seems to be abusive to prospective parents. There are so many different ways in which families can get hurt in this process. In the list of ways a match can fall apart you can see how parents can get emotionally devastated. But if you can separate yourself from the situation and remind yourself that "it's not about you" it makes the process easier.

We tend to get tunnel vision when it comes to wanting children into our homes to the point that we don't put the kids first. A great example is when a local family is chosen for the children. Sure, we believe that we would have been just as good for the kids and it wouldn't be so hard for them to move across the country. But if a child is perfectly content in Florida and there is a family for them there, is Montana a better choice for them simply because I live there. Would moving across the country to a different climate with folks with a different style of living be best for the child? It may not harm them, but it's possible that allowing a child to be in a similar environment would be best for them.

Or what about a child who grew up in the inner city? Sure, we think our fresh air is preferable on our dairy farm, but what if the kid LIKES the city. What if that is familiar and comforting? If a child can stay in the same are where there are positive connections, might that not be best?

Some social workers take this to an extreme and sometimes almost mistreat prospective adoptive families. But there focus is going to be on what is best for that child, not how the "rejected" hopeful adoptive familiy feels. They know the children, we don't. They are going to do their very best to come up with the best option for them.

Yes, we are going to be upset when we are not selected. But we need to remember that it isn't about us. It's about the kids and THAT is how the workers will make their decisions.

Matching Principle: Stay as Distant as Possible

I've told myself several times that I should write a book on "101 Ways a Match Can Fall Apart." I kept track during 2005, and while 96 children came home, 120 children were matched with families that they were never placed with. Here are the top five reasons that I have seen for a match not turning into a placement (not necessarily in order).

1) The foster parents change their minds and decide to adopt. This happens SO often. Foster parents, who for years have been saying they are not interested, are doing so because they really never believed that the time would come that they would have to say goodbye. So they wait until the last minute before they say, "HEY, WAIT. We want these kids." I never get too upset when this happens because I do matching for the sake of the kids and most of the time it is best for the kids to stay with a foster family that they are bonded to, even if that family is slow in making a commitment. I have seen the foster parents step in and insist on taking the kids as late as two or three days before the selected adoptive family was supposed to meet the kids. It is a horrible thing to go through, but it happens a lot.

2) The family that is matched changes their mind about the kids after reading the case file. My experience is that MANY adoptive families decline the first child whose file they read. Case files are horrible nasty things that detail the abuse the child has suffered and their behaviors from their first day in foster care until the day they are waiting to be adopted. So there is a great deal of yucky stuff, to use a professional term, in the case file. Many matches fall through at this time.

3) A surprise appeal is filed. Birth parents can file an appeal to the Termination of Parental Rights decision and when they do so a hold is placed on the case and the social worker cannot proceed with a placement. So often it the adoptive parents do not want to wait and they move on. Or, once and a while, the birth parents win.

4) A relative comes forward. Social workers are supposed to do an extensive relative search BEFORE letting other non-relatives know about the available children. But sometimes a relative cannot be found that turns up after a family is selected. The case is put on hold until it is determined if it is in the child's best interest to be adopted by the relative and it is often determined that it is best for the child to go to a relative.

5) The case is delayed and the family just can't wait and they move on. There are so many ways that a placement can be delayed. A worker has a death in the family, or goes on maternity leave, or goes on vacation. A worker quits and the case has to be reassigned. The Interstate Compact Office in one state or the other takes a long time or puts a hold on the placement. The child becomes unstable and needs a psych hospitalization or a stay in a residential treatment center or a medical procedure. The supervisor or program director can request more information. The subsidy negotiations take too long. Paperwork is missing and needs to be collected. The homestudy is now out of date and needs to be updated. Some families after waiting three or four or six or ten months just can't wait any longer and give up.

There are variations of these five things as well as a few other reasons that aren't as common. But the bottom line is that even if you are matched with kids it doesn't mean they are moving in. People ask me "when should I get emotionally involved with the child?" and after doing this for four years, I often respond, "When you see them sleeping in their own bed in your own home you can begin."

Step Two: Networking

Once you are confident that you have the best agency and the most accurate homestudy that you can acquire, then, in the midst of preparing yourselves and your family, it's time to start networking.

Of course, you aren't going to blame me for recommending that you register, if you haven't already, with Adopt America. But once that is done you can start to do your own networking.

One main point to remember is that there are a lot of agencies and social workers who will only have "worker to worker contact." That means that families are not able to talk to workers directly. For this reason, it is more important to build your network of people who already know social workers who have children available than it is to build a network of social workers who may never talk to you in the first place.

The first rule is to never throw away a piece of contact information. Invest in a good contact manager for the computer or a nice notebook and then NEVER throw ANY phone number, email address, regular address, or name away.

Start by talking to any family that you can find that has adopted from the foster care system and let them know that your homestudy is done. Ask them if they would be willing to talk to the social worker who had their kids on their caseload. Have them help you get the word out that you are waiting.

Next, you can subscribe to several email support groups that have waiting families. You can find them at yahoo groups or other groups and join. Ask questions and make connections there.

Photolistings are a great starting point but I haven't had great success with using photolistings alone. What I used to do, when matching our family, was to follow up persistently once I got ahold of the contact information. For example, if a worker had my study and called me to tell me that the child I was interested in was no longer available, I would respond, "Are there any other children on your caseload that might be a good match for my family?" Or, I might ask, "Are there other workers in your unit that might be interested in our family." I always took things one step further, and then another step after that.

The bottom line is that you need to continue to make as many connections as possible with as many folks as possible. Finding the right child or children for your family is a time consuming process. Don't give up easily -- keep building your network and making yourself available.

Step One: Assessment, Part Seven: Putting it All Together

So, it's time to put it all together and make some decisions. You may need to make some changes right now in order to make it easier for you to get matched.

Ask yourself the following questions (or, if you are a couple, you each need to ask yourselves):

1) Do I need to change my expectations about the kind of child I might be able to get matched with?

2) Do I need to change my agency in order to adopt children from another state or to have more cooperation in the matching process?

3) Do I need to represent myself better to my agency so they can write an addendum to my homestudy that includes things that I may have left out? (Remember, workers are looking for people who have been through tough things.)

4) Do I need to gain some more experience in order to better prepare myself?

5) Do I need to go in a completely different direction, such as foster parenting first?

6) Do I need to ask for some help?

After you ask yourself all those questions and come up wtih some answers, act on them.

Step One: Assessment, Part Six: How Prepared Are We

One of the main things that impresses social workers is experience. Yes, you've had a trainng, but do you know anyone who is parenting kids with special needs? Have you ever had a child in your home who has any issues? Have you ever sat down and talked to anyone (besides your social worker) who has parented a child like this?

Parenting experience is good, but often social workers don't believe that parenting "normal" kids, or parenting in a "normal" way is adequate preparation for parenting kids with a history of abuse and neglect. Even parenting adopted children who were adopted at birth or internationally doesn't necessarily mean that there it will be perceived that a family knows how to parent "system kids."

Now grant it, there are many children who are adopted internationally who have lots of issues: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, etc. But there are a great number of very emotionally healthy children adopted internationally, a sad statement. A Third World Orphanage has done a better job of raising many children than our foster care system has.

So, social workers want to see experience. They are impressed if you go to many trainings, and you should. The more you read, the better prepared you will be. Blogs like the ones listed on Adoption Blog Central can give you a look into the lives of people who are doing what you want to do, and that will help prepare. But social workers who are choosing a family for children want to see that you are willing to get yourself involved, hands on, BEFORE the kids are in your home.

Foster parenting is great experience. Doing respite care for another family who as adopted is also awesome experience. Spending time on a regular basis with a family who has adopted very hard kids is also very helpful (and a lot of adoptive families are kind of short on good friends, so they'd probably welcome the help).

One of the families that I worked with had a stay-at-home parent. While she was waiting to be matched she volunteered in the Emotional and Behavior Disorders classroom for a school year to get an idea of what kind of behaviors were associated with which diagnosis.

If you want to adopt cross culturally, it isn't enough to have a few ethnic dolls or artwork in your home. You need to KNOW some people of color. You need to associate with them on a regular basis. You need to have them be a part of your life. You need to ask them tough questions about racism. You need to work through your own attitudes about other cultures by being with people of that culture.

So, am I saying that if you don't do any of these things that you won't get matched? Not at all. But I am saying that you have to do something while you're waiting for that match, and these are excellent ways to understand what you're really going to go through when the time comes.

Don't fool yourself into thinking that you don't have time for any of the stuff that I just mentioned but that you will have time to invite a stranger into your home who is suddenly your child and be able to learn everything then. If you don't have time to add a few extra people into your life, you won't have time to parent the kind of children who come out of the foster care system.

Step One: Assessment, Part Five: What Kind of Family Are We

Matching is a competition of sorts. The kind of issues a child has, the number of children in a sibling group, the age of the child and the child's race all determine how much "competition" there will be.

For example, I know that if I let the word out that I know about a 1 year old Caucasian boy with no issues, I will be able to, on my own, find 40 or 50 families, just in my circle of connections, that will want that child.

If I post a sibling group of six African American kids, ages 9-16, I won't get a single study.

In fact, I checked on a 16 year old Hispanic male that I had first registered with our agency almost 3 years ago and we never had a single study sent. Not a single family in 3 years was interested in him.

So, let's say that you are one of those families who has determined, for the sake of discussion, that the only child you are willing to parent is a 1 year old Caucasian boy.

Are you going to have what it takes to win the competition? I realize this may sound crass, but what is the "perfect family?"

Fortunately, the perfect family is defined differently by every social worker. And the perfect family for a particular child is different than it might be for another child.

But, if you're talking about a one year old caucasian boy with no issues, the perfect familiy might well be defined as:

» 2 parent, male/female couple
» middle class
» Caucasian
» Wealthy enough, but not too wealthy
» Stay at home parent
» No more than one sibling, at least 2 years older
» Great neighborhood, schools, etc.
» In the same state as the waiting child
» In an agency that has a good reputation with the social worker
» Endured enough negative things to show that you can handle some adversity, but not so much that it damaged you a lot.

If you differ from this, then you may get chosen, but your chances are more slight with everything that isn't "on the list."

And as I said, this could be the list. Or it might not be, depending on the worker.

Every once and a while I get surprised. A match that I thought had no chance of being a match became one. But realistically, there are certain kind of families that social workers look at for certain kinds of kids and the closer to the "traditional" family a family is, the more chances they have for the children that seem to be considered the "most desirable."

Step One: Assessment, Part Four: What Kind of Agency Do You Have

I have run across many individuals in the waiting process who started out with an agency. After their homestudy is completed and they have invested all that time in the training and paperwork for that agency, they realize that the agency really isn't going to give them what they need in regards to matching, but they are afraid to switch agencies because of their previous investment.

Many people head to their county for an adoption home study. Many counties provide excellent service and will often provide a home study without charge. If you come from a county which includes a large metropolitan area, you should have no trouble being matched with a child or sibling group from that city. However, if you live in a rural area, your county may have less than 5 children adopted from there each year.

Here are some questions to ask your county or your agency before getting your home study done, if possible, or if you are not matched and wondering why.

1) If there are no children available in this county (or this area) will you assist me in getting matched with a child from another part of this state?

2) Will you send my homestudy to other states for me to be considered for children from another state? Will their be an additional charge? If you will, have you ever done an out of state placement? From which states?

3) Will you allow me to have a copy of my homestudy?

4) Will I be allowed to advocate for myself and talk to social workers on my own behalf?

5) How much time are you as my social worker going to have to help me in the matching process?

6) Will I be allowed to register with an organization like Adopt America.

7) How do you go about matching a family?

8) How many of the families you have homestudied were matched within a year of their homestudy?

Finally, think about the kind of child you want, the kind of child that is out there, the demographics of your state, and then see if it is realistic that your agency, based on the answers to these questions, is going to be able to match you with a child.

Step One: Assessment, Part Three: What Kind of State Do I Live In

One of the facts about our country is that because of demographics, there are some states that have more children than adoptive families and some states that have more families than adopted children. For example in 2004, there were 56 children adopted from the state of Wyoming and over 2,000 children in that same year adopted from states like Ohio, New York, and Texas. This report will tell you how many children were adopted from each state in 2004.

If you live in Wyoming or a state with a low number of children available for adoption, you will most likely need to adopt from another state. If you live in California, New York, Texas, Illinois, or a similar state, you will have better chances of adopting a child that is closer to your preferences simply because there will be a greater number of children available.

Step One: Assessment: Part Two: What Kind of Children Are Available.

In doing an assessment, it is important to combine the specifics regarding what kind of children you are looking for with the reality of what kind of children are available.

The Adoption and Foster Care Reporting and Analysis System (AFCARS) gives the following information about the 114,000 children who were waiting to be adopted in September of 2005 (the last time a report was completed).

Here is what they report:

53% were male, 47% were female

51% of those children had been in foster care for more than 30 months, and 87% had been in foster care for more than 12 months.

40% were Caucasian, 15% Hispanic, and 36% African American.

63% were over the age of five.

60% of the children were adopted by their foster parents.

I don't see data that connects the two, but based on my experience a large majority of the 37% of children adopted under the age of 5 were a part of the 60% who were adopted by their foster parents.

So, if you are planning to adopt without fostering and you are hoping for a girl, under the age of five, who is caucasian and whose foster parents aren't already planning to adopt her, you can see where the odds lie.

Step One: Assessment: Part One: What Kind of Children Do We Want

The first step in matching is to thoroughly assess your situation. This may seem simple, but it is a multistep process.

First, you need to determine what kind of child you are looking for. In doing this, you need to understand some myths. (and I can guarantee you that I am going to be telling you some stuff you don't want to hear).

Myth Number One: The Younger the Child the Better

Most individuals believe that the younger the child is when they arrive the better your chances will be in seeing a child succeed. This is not true on many levels. First, the younger the child is the less you know about the issues they will face. A child who is two or three years old might appear to not have any issues at that time. However, later in life the same child may face many if not all of things that children who are 11-17 have already been diagnosed with when they become available for adoption. Getting a child when they are young does NOT mean that they will not have these issues. It just means that you will not know that they have them.

Secondly, the younger the child is the longer they will be in your home. Many people believe that this is a good thing, but when you are dealing with children who have multiple issues, fewer years with you is not necessarily a bad thing.

Third, the younger the child is the longer it will take them to realize that you are not the cause of their issues. Children who come as younger children tend to blame their adoptive parents for every issue they face, while children adopted as teens KNOW that it isn't their adoptive parents fault -- they are the ones who rescued them.

Myth Number Two: If I Get a Child When They Are Younger I Can FIx Them

More and more research is showing that many personality disorders, most mental illness, and as we know, many medical issues, are genetic. A child's personality as well as their behavioral issues are often times something that they come to us with, even if they come at birth. No amount of behavior modification, perfect environment, or positive parenting is going to be enough to erradicate these things.

Myth Number Two: We (or I) Can't Handle More than One or Two Chidren Coming at Once

Often adopting a sibling group can be easier than adopting one child, and sometimes a large sibling group can be easier than a group of two. Working to understand the family system that already exists and using the strengths of each member of the sibling group can actuallly make parenting the group easier. It is also true that children will take up all of the time that you have, so whether you have 2 or 10, they will take up all your time. The more children there are, the more people there are to interrract with.

Myth Number Three: If They Split the Group, We Can Take the Younger Ones and They Will Be Fine.

Time and time again I have seen this happen and it does so much damage to everyone. A "parentified" oldest sibling can be a wonderful asset to parents who will include them in helping with the younger children. And losing the older siblings can be devastating to the younger ones.

Myth Number Four: We (or I) Can't Parent a Child of Another Race

There are many great support groups out there for families adopting transracially. There is also a great amount of enrichment that comes to parents who choose to adopt transracially as they have a new world opened up to them and learn a new culture as they attempt to teach culture to their children.

and finally, Myth Number Five: There are Certain Issues We Just Can't Parent.

Coming from someone who had a list like that and ended up, years later, finding out we were parenting everything on our "can't parent" list, I know that anyone can do anything they decide to do. Their quality of life may not be the same as it was, but anyone CAN do it. And unfortunately, case histories may accurately portray the past, but they can never predict the future.

Asking the tough questions and expanding ideas of what kind of children would fit in the home is a good first step.

A Series on Matching

In the first 5 years of my marriage, I filled our home with 9 children and we were matched with a tenth. I found that I had a gift (relentless and persistent, yet appropriate and inoffensive, nagging of all parties) which led to matches.

Running out of bedspace, I decided to focus my efforts in getting kids home, but into a different home than mine. In the next five years (which are the past five), I have helped 240 children make it home. I have over 60 more kids matched and waiting for paperwork to go through before they will be able to go home with their families. Through my work with the Adopt America Network and my employment with a private adoption agency, I match families with children. It is my passion and it fills much of my time.

When thinking about relevant topics to post on this blog, I decided to go with the one thing I know most about: the matching process.... both how it works, how to make a match happen, and how to keep from going crazy while you wait.

I will be happy to field questions, and hope that this series will develop into a useful tool for anyone in the matching process. Here are the posts in the series:

Step One: Assessment; Part One: What Kind of Children do we Want

Step One: Assessment; Part Two: What Kind of Children are Available.

Step One: Assessment; Part Three: What Kind of State Do I Live In.

Step One: Assessment; Part Four: What Kind of Agency Do I Have

Step One: Assessment; Part Five: What Kind of Family Are We

Step One: Asseesment; Part Six: How Prepared Are We

Step One: Assesment; Part Seven: Putting it All Together

Step Two: Networking

Matching Principle: Don't Fall in Love with a Picture

Matching Principle: Stay as Distant as Possible

Matching Principle: It's About the Kids

Step Three: Checking Out the Photolistings

Step Four: Making Yourself Stand Out; Part One: A Profile Page.

Step Four: Making Yourself Stand Out; Part Two: A Cover Letter.

Step Four: Making Yourself Stand Out: Part Three: Collateral Information.

Step Four: Making Yourself Stand Out: Part Four: A Scrapbook.

Step Five: Making a Final Decision After You Are Matched.

Step Six: Preplacement Visits.