Step Three: Checking Out the Photolistings

I confess that I am a photolisting junkie and I admit that my husband and I decided to pursue older child adoption after our first evening of looking at pictures of darling children on internet photolistings. We fell in love with a couple of boys and when we inquired we found out we needed a homestudy. That was the beginning of our search.

The first principle to remember when dealing with photolistings is that they are more than just a matching tool. In fact, they probably fulfill a recruiting function to a greater extent than they do a matching function.

Secondly, regardless of how hard any one person tries, there are many children on photolistings who are no longer available. Often times the person who updates the website is two or three people away from the social worker with the child and so many things can happen to any of those people: medical leave, maternity leave, resignation, transfer, or just overwhelmed. The message that a family has been located may not go through the line of people and get to the person updating the website in a timely matter.

Third, the labels listed (mild, moderate, severe) are the opinion of one person. I have read thorough case files on children who I would rate as mild who are listed as severe and the other way around. There is no guarantee that those levels are a guarantee.

Children with no issues do not exist. There is not a child who has a history of abuse, neglect, and multiple moves that does not have any issues. The children who have "none" listed in every category may be stable right now, but they have issues.

And finally, a child who is mild now, won't be mild forever. An extremely small number of children adopted from the foster care make it through their entire lives without a few days, weeks, or months of "moderate" or "severe" behaviors.

So, photolistings are a great place to see the kinds of kids that are out there. If there are children that you are specifically drawn to, send your study. But don't be surprised if the child is no longer available or the level of care is inaccurate.

Matching Principle: It's About the Kids

I've heard it said 100 times by social workers. "We are not trying to find children for families. We are trying to find families for children."

In the process, putting the children first seems to be abusive to prospective parents. There are so many different ways in which families can get hurt in this process. In the list of ways a match can fall apart you can see how parents can get emotionally devastated. But if you can separate yourself from the situation and remind yourself that "it's not about you" it makes the process easier.

We tend to get tunnel vision when it comes to wanting children into our homes to the point that we don't put the kids first. A great example is when a local family is chosen for the children. Sure, we believe that we would have been just as good for the kids and it wouldn't be so hard for them to move across the country. But if a child is perfectly content in Florida and there is a family for them there, is Montana a better choice for them simply because I live there. Would moving across the country to a different climate with folks with a different style of living be best for the child? It may not harm them, but it's possible that allowing a child to be in a similar environment would be best for them.

Or what about a child who grew up in the inner city? Sure, we think our fresh air is preferable on our dairy farm, but what if the kid LIKES the city. What if that is familiar and comforting? If a child can stay in the same are where there are positive connections, might that not be best?

Some social workers take this to an extreme and sometimes almost mistreat prospective adoptive families. But there focus is going to be on what is best for that child, not how the "rejected" hopeful adoptive familiy feels. They know the children, we don't. They are going to do their very best to come up with the best option for them.

Yes, we are going to be upset when we are not selected. But we need to remember that it isn't about us. It's about the kids and THAT is how the workers will make their decisions.

Matching Principle: Stay as Distant as Possible

I've told myself several times that I should write a book on "101 Ways a Match Can Fall Apart." I kept track during 2005, and while 96 children came home, 120 children were matched with families that they were never placed with. Here are the top five reasons that I have seen for a match not turning into a placement (not necessarily in order).

1) The foster parents change their minds and decide to adopt. This happens SO often. Foster parents, who for years have been saying they are not interested, are doing so because they really never believed that the time would come that they would have to say goodbye. So they wait until the last minute before they say, "HEY, WAIT. We want these kids." I never get too upset when this happens because I do matching for the sake of the kids and most of the time it is best for the kids to stay with a foster family that they are bonded to, even if that family is slow in making a commitment. I have seen the foster parents step in and insist on taking the kids as late as two or three days before the selected adoptive family was supposed to meet the kids. It is a horrible thing to go through, but it happens a lot.

2) The family that is matched changes their mind about the kids after reading the case file. My experience is that MANY adoptive families decline the first child whose file they read. Case files are horrible nasty things that detail the abuse the child has suffered and their behaviors from their first day in foster care until the day they are waiting to be adopted. So there is a great deal of yucky stuff, to use a professional term, in the case file. Many matches fall through at this time.

3) A surprise appeal is filed. Birth parents can file an appeal to the Termination of Parental Rights decision and when they do so a hold is placed on the case and the social worker cannot proceed with a placement. So often it the adoptive parents do not want to wait and they move on. Or, once and a while, the birth parents win.

4) A relative comes forward. Social workers are supposed to do an extensive relative search BEFORE letting other non-relatives know about the available children. But sometimes a relative cannot be found that turns up after a family is selected. The case is put on hold until it is determined if it is in the child's best interest to be adopted by the relative and it is often determined that it is best for the child to go to a relative.

5) The case is delayed and the family just can't wait and they move on. There are so many ways that a placement can be delayed. A worker has a death in the family, or goes on maternity leave, or goes on vacation. A worker quits and the case has to be reassigned. The Interstate Compact Office in one state or the other takes a long time or puts a hold on the placement. The child becomes unstable and needs a psych hospitalization or a stay in a residential treatment center or a medical procedure. The supervisor or program director can request more information. The subsidy negotiations take too long. Paperwork is missing and needs to be collected. The homestudy is now out of date and needs to be updated. Some families after waiting three or four or six or ten months just can't wait any longer and give up.

There are variations of these five things as well as a few other reasons that aren't as common. But the bottom line is that even if you are matched with kids it doesn't mean they are moving in. People ask me "when should I get emotionally involved with the child?" and after doing this for four years, I often respond, "When you see them sleeping in their own bed in your own home you can begin."

Matching Principle: Don't Fall in Love with a Picture

One of the biggest mistakes that I have seen people in the matching process do is to fall in love with a picture. Here are a list of reasons why you should never fall in love based on a picture (even if it is next to a one paragraph summary).

1) If it is a cute picture, a WHOLE BUNCH of other people are going to be in love with it too. They are going to have the picture on their fridge, bulletin board, or desk. They are going to think the kids are SO CUTE or that "there is just something about that kid." A captivating photo will captivate many, and as you know, the more people that are captivated, the more families will be interested in the child.

2) Many children who are on photolistings are already matched. One of the hardest parts of the adoption matching process for those who are involved in matching and placing children is keeping photolistings up to date. There are many children who are already matched on websites.

3) Falling in love with a face can keep you from really listening to the information presented about the child. Wanting a child very badly because of a cute picture can cause people to not make reasonable decisions.

4) Very few people are matched with the first kid they fall for. In fact, because there is only one family chosen for each situation, there are many many others who are not selected. I remember hearing about one sibling group of children and the Texas website received over 100 homestudies submitted within the first 24 hours they were on the website. Theoretically that would mean that 99 homestudies were rejected and only 1 selected. Ironically, these three children, all under the age of five, were so difficult that the worker ended up putting the children on hold and none of the 100 families were chosen. The children were not matched until almost a full year later.

5) Photolistings, while they are great matching tools, are also recruiting tools. I remember the first kids we fell in love with back in 1997. I came across the old "Faces of Adoption" website and was immediately in love with these two kids. We didn't even have our homestudy done. But even though we realized that we had no chance of getting those kids because the process took so long, they drew us into the adoption process. So you may never be matched with children you see on a photolisting.

6) Finally, and most unfortunately, even getting matched does not mean that the children will come to your home (which I will discuss in a later post). But seeing a picture for the first time is definitely way too early in the process to be getting excited.

Step Two: Networking

Once you are confident that you have the best agency and the most accurate homestudy that you can acquire, then, in the midst of preparing yourselves and your family, it's time to start networking.

Of course, you aren't going to blame me for recommending that you register, if you haven't already, with Adopt America. But once that is done you can start to do your own networking.

One main point to remember is that there are a lot of agencies and social workers who will only have "worker to worker contact." That means that families are not able to talk to workers directly. For this reason, it is more important to build your network of people who already know social workers who have children available than it is to build a network of social workers who may never talk to you in the first place.

The first rule is to never throw away a piece of contact information. Invest in a good contact manager for the computer or a nice notebook and then NEVER throw ANY phone number, email address, regular address, or name away.

Start by talking to any family that you can find that has adopted from the foster care system and let them know that your homestudy is done. Ask them if they would be willing to talk to the social worker who had their kids on their caseload. Have them help you get the word out that you are waiting.

Next, you can subscribe to several email support groups that have waiting families. You can find them at yahoo groups or other groups and join. Ask questions and make connections there.

Photolistings are a great starting point but I haven't had great success with using photolistings alone. What I used to do, when matching our family, was to follow up persistently once I got ahold of the contact information. For example, if a worker had my study and called me to tell me that the child I was interested in was no longer available, I would respond, "Are there any other children on your caseload that might be a good match for my family?" Or, I might ask, "Are there other workers in your unit that might be interested in our family." I always took things one step further, and then another step after that.

The bottom line is that you need to continue to make as many connections as possible with as many folks as possible. Finding the right child or children for your family is a time consuming process. Don't give up easily -- keep building your network and making yourself available.

Step One: Assessment, Part Seven: Putting it All Together

So, it's time to put it all together and make some decisions. You may need to make some changes right now in order to make it easier for you to get matched.

Ask yourself the following questions (or, if you are a couple, you each need to ask yourselves):

1) Do I need to change my expectations about the kind of child I might be able to get matched with?

2) Do I need to change my agency in order to adopt children from another state or to have more cooperation in the matching process?

3) Do I need to represent myself better to my agency so they can write an addendum to my homestudy that includes things that I may have left out? (Remember, workers are looking for people who have been through tough things.)

4) Do I need to gain some more experience in order to better prepare myself?

5) Do I need to go in a completely different direction, such as foster parenting first?

6) Do I need to ask for some help?

After you ask yourself all those questions and come up wtih some answers, act on them.

Step One: Assessment, Part Six: How Prepared Are We

One of the main things that impresses social workers is experience. Yes, you've had a trainng, but do you know anyone who is parenting kids with special needs? Have you ever had a child in your home who has any issues? Have you ever sat down and talked to anyone (besides your social worker) who has parented a child like this?

Parenting experience is good, but often social workers don't believe that parenting "normal" kids, or parenting in a "normal" way is adequate preparation for parenting kids with a history of abuse and neglect. Even parenting adopted children who were adopted at birth or internationally doesn't necessarily mean that there it will be perceived that a family knows how to parent "system kids."

Now grant it, there are many children who are adopted internationally who have lots of issues: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, etc. But there are a great number of very emotionally healthy children adopted internationally, a sad statement. A Third World Orphanage has done a better job of raising many children than our foster care system has.

So, social workers want to see experience. They are impressed if you go to many trainings, and you should. The more you read, the better prepared you will be. Blogs like the ones listed on Adoption Blog Central can give you a look into the lives of people who are doing what you want to do, and that will help prepare. But social workers who are choosing a family for children want to see that you are willing to get yourself involved, hands on, BEFORE the kids are in your home.

Foster parenting is great experience. Doing respite care for another family who as adopted is also awesome experience. Spending time on a regular basis with a family who has adopted very hard kids is also very helpful (and a lot of adoptive families are kind of short on good friends, so they'd probably welcome the help).

One of the families that I worked with had a stay-at-home parent. While she was waiting to be matched she volunteered in the Emotional and Behavior Disorders classroom for a school year to get an idea of what kind of behaviors were associated with which diagnosis.

If you want to adopt cross culturally, it isn't enough to have a few ethnic dolls or artwork in your home. You need to KNOW some people of color. You need to associate with them on a regular basis. You need to have them be a part of your life. You need to ask them tough questions about racism. You need to work through your own attitudes about other cultures by being with people of that culture.

So, am I saying that if you don't do any of these things that you won't get matched? Not at all. But I am saying that you have to do something while you're waiting for that match, and these are excellent ways to understand what you're really going to go through when the time comes.

Don't fool yourself into thinking that you don't have time for any of the stuff that I just mentioned but that you will have time to invite a stranger into your home who is suddenly your child and be able to learn everything then. If you don't have time to add a few extra people into your life, you won't have time to parent the kind of children who come out of the foster care system.